Transparency

If you haven't, you may want to read the previous entry for some background information. Follow the link below (if it works, otherwise copy and paste it...I'm too lazy to set up the link right now).

 http://iamnotgoodatnamingblogs.blogspot.com/2015/02/barbara-walters.html



Discovery: It's relatively easy for me to be open and honest with you, since most of you are my friends/family/fellow gym-goers/co-workers/neighbors, and through the partial anonymity of the internet, than it is to be transparent in person.

Or, say, on television.

As most of you know, I was asked to film a testimonial for my nutritionist's office.  I was really flattered and honored to be asked.  I thought, if I could go on live television to talk about myself and this process three months and 20lb ago, I can certainly film a testimonial now.

Turns out, I may not know myself quite as well as I thought.

In the previous entry, I talked about the interview experience.  It was painfully awkward but I made it through.  The interviewer and cameraman tried their damndest to put me at ease, and were so welcoming and nice.  I just didn't feel comfortable.  Also, as you may recall, I cried, which is one of my least favorite things to do in front of people, especially strangers.

I waited anxiously to see what the finished product of the commercial would look like.  Thinking about it made me a little (a lot) antsy, so it's a dang good thing I had a busy week (as always).

Thursday night, they sent me a copy.  Everyone involved said they loved it.

It would be fair to say that I was not a fan.

I watched it while sitting on a spinning bike at the gym.  Then I watched it again.  The first time, I sat, mouth agape, as I watched myself.  The second time, I laughed out loud...and not in a good way.

All I could think was "I look awful and I sound awful."

Then I felt awful because I was the only one who had seen it at that point who didn't like it.  I reminded myself that everyone's their own harshest critic.  So I watched it again.

Then I had to get the hell out of the gym to process this.

Which I did as soon as I got home.

Panic set in.

The rapid-fire thoughts going through my head included...
People are going to see this.
I've put my story out there to be played by television stations at will.
People are going to judge me.
Oh my God what was I thinking?
Is that really what my voice sounds like?  How does anybody tolerate listening to me?
Oh my GOD what was I thinking?
Is that really what I look like?  Good Lord.
OH MY GOD what was I THINKING?

And the resounding theme:

I AM NOT READY FOR THIS.

I texted my best friend, and emailed her the video link.  I can always count on her to be honest and give it to me straight.  She and her boyfriend loved it.

I thought: Well, maybe it's not as bad as I think.  I filmed it, maybe I should just live with the consequences of my choice to agree to do this and put myself out there.

And then I started panicking again.

I texted my journey guru, Jen, who talked me down off the ledge.

I realized (through Jen's amazing words) that it's okay to say no.  It's okay not to be ready to share everything with everyone.  It's okay to realize that this made me feel powerless and was really triggering for me.  It's okay to say yes and then change your mind.  And it's okay to ask for what you need to feel safe.

And for me, at this point, what I needed to feel safe was to ask my nutritionist not to use the filmed commercial, at least until I'm ready.  A point which I am not confident will ever occur (though it may).  A request which she happily honored.

This entire chain of events was probably the most surprising thing that's happened to me...well, ever.  I thought I knew myself pretty well but I still have the capability to shock myself.

Surprise!