Skin

I've seen tons of people on various Facebook groups I lurk on, as well as Instagram feeds, blogs, etc, say one of the reasons they're scared to lose weight is because of extra skin.

Well, kids, I'm living it.  So let's talk.

As of today, I'm down 161.6 lbs from my heaviest weight.  I weighed 201.4 lbs this morning.  I'm getting to the point where I like the way my body looks in clothes.  My shoulders are looking really nice.  My ass is bangin.  I wear leggings as pants because I want to catch glimpses of my own booty in mirrors and windows.  It's that good.

But.

BUT.

Nakey...yowza.  My body pretty much looks like a melted ice cream cone.  My belly and boobs have deflated like a week-old circus balloon animal.  Even my thighs and upper arms have some extra skin.  Nobody tells you when you start losing weight...things don't shrink, they deflate.  If I bend over and flex my abs, it looks like I have an extra set of jugs from how much belly skin is there.  I'm not even joking...my husband and I laughed about it for like an hour the other day.  This isn't a slam on myself, it's a straight up fact, and I like to lighten it with humor in an effort to be less ashamed of it.  Extra skin is a fact of weight loss life.  But it's not pretty.

Buffalo Bill would love me right now.  Is that joke not funny?

Am I prepared to show you a photo of my extra skin?  No.
Will I ever be prepared to show you a photo of my extra skin?  Probably no.
If you ask me nicely in person, will I show you?  No, in fact I'll probably cut you.

If you really want to see extra skin that bad, just do a google search.  I guarantee one of the thousands of images looks similar to me.

But anyway...

Imagine that you (literally) work your ass off for weeks, months, years, to get healthy and feel beautiful or get stronger or get off meds or whatever your personal motivations are to lose weight.  And your body can do some amazing stuff that it couldn't do before.  It looks better in clothes than ever before.  It's stronger than it's ever been before.  But that extra skin is still lurking there and reminding you of your former self, the damage you did to your body, and how worthless and unattractive you used to feel.  Nothing will make you feel less sexy and pretty and successful in your efforts than people commenting on it.

I've been asked, repeatedly, by well-meaning friends, if I will ever have skin removal surgery.  At this point, I don't really have enough to necessitate a surgical procedure.  Plus, the extremely few people who see me nakey either don't care and love me anyways and can laugh about it with me (the huzzband) and/or can go fuck themselves if they don't like what they see (random locker room people, I guess?).  Also...I don't have $20,000 extra dollars to spend on an elective surgery, soooooo...I'll reconsider if it ever causes me health problems.

I'm trying to use my saggy belly and newly unfortunate breasts and elephant skin wrinkly legs as motivation and a reminder of how far I've come.  I'm trying to see it as evidence of my accomplishments.  I'm trying to see it as beautiful, but this is one of the biggest mental hurdles I've had to face/cross/jump over/whatever during this process.  It's a challenge and it may never happen.

But.

BUT.

I did a 5k in May.  Yes, I walked like 85% of it.  But two years ago, there is no friggin way I could have even walked a mile without wanting to die, let alone a 5k.

I hiked an average of 25-40 miles a week with friends this summer.  Could or would I ever have done this before?  I would have wanted to, but there's no way I could have.

I discovered a love for yoga.  I never would have even tried a class before, because I was too embarrassed about my body and lack of flexibility.  I hate to sound cliche, but this has put me in tune with my body and what it wants and needs better than anything else I've ever done.  It's taught me to breathe through pain (mental and physical) and that I can tough out uncomfortable things, and the end result is worth the discomfort and work.  It has taught me to take up the space I need and to be present in my body and mind.  Holy crap, am I grateful for yoga.

I PRed an assload of lifts this year.  Are my numbers impressive?  Hahahaha no.  Does it matter?  No, because I lifted heavier shit than I ever have before.  And I can lift way more now than I could when I was heavier (which is counter intuitive to me, but whatevs).

I can shop for clothes in almost any store I want to.  It's hard to get used to this.  I'm used to purchasing whatever garments I can find in my size regardless of whether I liked them or whether they were comfortable or flattering, because my options have been so limited in the past.

Ok, so my body looks weird naked.  Yes, I still feel a lot of body shame and frankly, I feel way sexier with my clothes on than off.  But would I go back to being 363 lbs, not able to do most of the things I want to do, not able to fit in an airplane seat without a seatbelt extender and a prayer, only able to order ugly old ladyish clothes online, get short of breath walking up a flight of stairs, not be able to give my dog the exercise he needs, not be able to hike and see beautiful places, not be able to feel comfortable doing yoga, have to take blood pressure medications, not be brave enough to tell street harassers to fuck off, and be sad?

Would I have spent my entire life being thin, and thus not had to worry about extra skin at all?  Perhaps.  But I know how strong I am because I've had to work for every pound off my body and on the bar.  Every extra rep, every extra second in an uncomfortable yoga asana, every extra jogged step...I know that every single choice I make every single day has the power to bring me closer to or further from my goals.  I feel like others who may have had easier lives physically or been appreciated aesthetically or been considered conventionally attractive for their entire lives don't necessarily appreciate what they have and how easy they have it in some ways.

So what's the moral of the story?

THE EXTRA SKIN IS WORTH IT.

Trust the Process

I have a confession to make.





I weigh myself every day.

Sometimes multiple times a day.

I know, it's horrible.  My trainer AND my nutritionist both tell me, in the nicest way possible, that I'm a freakin' idiot for doing this.  And yet I can't stop.

I have to do it.  I don't punish myself on "bad" days or reward myself on "good" days, I just have to know what the scale says!

I feel weird when I don't weigh myself.  It's obsessive and I know it's bad, but I do it.  Confession over.


Let's talk about why this may be the crappiest idea ever.

Last month, I went to my nutritionist's office for my body comp appt, like I always do.  She weighs and measures me, sticks the EKG patches to my hand and foot and then we chat about how things went and she answers my 10,000 inevitable questions.

Last month, I weighed in at 255, which for me is pretty damn good.  Friggin amazeballs good, actually.

The next day, and for about 2 weeks afterward, I consistently weighed in at 255.  Sometimes my body likes to hold on to weight for as long as humanly possible and then drop several pounds overnight, so I wasn't too concerned or annoyed at this point.

Then, things took what I thought was a horrible turn.  My weight started to creep upwards.  A few days later, it was 257.  Then 260.  261.  262.  Another week and a half later and I was holding steady at 266.

And I was PISSED.

I was (am) still working out as much as I have been for the past year, 5-6x weekly for an hour.  I had (have) been eating the same healthy, whole foods as I always have been.

Why in the holy hell had I gained 11 pounds in less than a month?  I could understand it if I had avoided the gym all month and taken to eating a steady diet of cupcakes and Cheetos.  In fact, I briefly considered eating cupcakes and Cheetos, because why not?  If I'm going to gain weight anyway, I might as well go down in flames...

About 4 days before my nutritionist appointment, my weight started to trend downwards.  It finally "landed" at 256, one pound above where I'd started the month (although my bathroom is an electromagnetic black hole...every scale that enters it becomes 2-5 lb heavy within 6 weeks, no lie).

I asked my nutritionist about my body's love of holding on to weight and then dumping several pounds instantaneously instead of gradually letting it go.  Apparently, normal.  I also asked her about my rapid weight gain this month and told her how pissed I was.  After telling me (again) to stop weighing myself every damn day, she told me this can be normal, too.  *le sigh*  I don't WANT to gain weight when I'm working my ass off!  Even if it's muscle and water (two things that I actually need to gain).

I hopped on the scale.

253.

Ok, not fantastic, but a loss.  I'll take it.

Then she did my body composition analysis.

And this, my friends, is why you should not weigh yourself every day.


Even though I "only" lost 2 lb on the scale, I lost 12 lb of fat.

I also gained muscle and several pounds of water.  I know a lot of people hear "water weight gain" and think of edema or bloating, but I'm chronically dehydrated despite drinking 3-5 Nalgenes of water a day, so for me, numerous pounds of water weight gain was excellent news.

The moral of the story?

I hate hokey crap.  "Trust the process."  "Find your zen." "Keep calm and carry on." "#blessed" "If you build it, they will come." 

Ugh.  Just give me the info and/or tell me what to do without the crispy new age coating, please.

But in this case, true.  Trust the process, indeed.  "The process" has been serving me well for over a year now, one perceived setback shouldn't derail me.

Especially because it turned out to be AWESOME and not a setback at all.

Your meal replacement product is absolute crap.

Let me start by saying this is strictly my opinion of products.  NOT the people who sell them.  Also...it's an opinion.  I'm not an expert (obvi).

Now that I have your attention...

Hi there.

People ask me all the time what steps I've taken to lose all this weight and get heathier this year.

When I tell them, "clean eating and LOTS of exercise," the vast majority of them stand there, waiting for me to continue speaking.  When I don't, they invariably ask...

"No supplements?"

"No meal replacements?"

No.  None of that stuff.

Actual, factual food, and real, hard work.  Boom.  End of story.

When they then ask why I don't use Shakeology/Isagenix/Advocare/Herbalife, my response is invariably say this:
1) I'm doing fantastic without it.
2) most of them suck and aren't really that healthy
3) I'm not a fan of MLM in general
4) I don't want to pay for something that I feel has no value

I have a science background.   Buzzwords don't get me excited.  Facts do.

If this is the healthiest meal of your day, I'd hate to see what kind of crap you're eating the rest of the day.

You know what else builds champions?  Hard work.

No comment.

Their logo is green, so it has to be healthy...right?

Now, I know I just raised a lot of hackles.  Like half the people I know from the gym are slaves to Isagenix.  An online fitness group I participate in is on the Shakeology train.  I have co-workers who sell and use Herbalife, and relatives that sell and use Advocare.  Universally, people who use this type of product are fanatically devoted to it.  And that's cool...whatever floats your boat!

I just don't feel any of it is necessary, or healthy.

Here is why.

Exhibit A:  http://www.ancestral-nutrition.com/an-unbiased-review-of-herbalife/

Exhibit B: http://www.ancestral-nutrition.com/unbiased-review-shakeology/

Exhibit C: http://www.ancestral-nutrition.com/an-unbiased-review-of-isagenix/

Exhibit D: http://www.ancestral-nutrition.com/an-unbiased-review-of-advocare/

Please read the one(s) that pertain to you.  I'll wait here.

Ok, now that you've read the one(s) that pertain to you and are armed with a billion reasons why X-brand shake and bar and vitamins are the best thing ever, let me lay this on you...

I am aware that Dani's research is imperfect.  However, it's the first research I've seen that wasn't funded and published by the company selling the product.

I've seen dozens upon dozens of articles touting the awesomeness of these products.  I've seen Facebook links to information about their "nutritional quality."  100% of these articles and links have been directly from the company itself.

That's not research, guys.

That's propaganda.

And after every article about the "nutritional quality" are testimonials.  Sometimes the testimonials are from happy customers.  SOMETIMES THEY ARE FROM PEOPLE WHO'VE MADE A LOT OF MONEY PEDDLING THIS STUFF.  Red flag, yo.  The people I know that sell and use these products are good people...but it's easy to see how some shady characters could take serious advantage of people.  This is why I don't like MLM.

I've also had a lot of conversations with friends saying, "Well, X-brand may not be perfect, but it's better than Y-brand."

Being the best out of a category of not great things is still not good.

I think the number one reason why these products piss me off is this...

Many of them are officially called "meal replacement" items, but are heavily marketed as weight loss items.  "Slimcakes?"  "Isalean?"  "Advocare: We build champions?"  Come on.  Tell me that's not pushing overweight people to drop ten tons of money on snacks and shakes filled with chemicals, sugars, and GMOs, with a few "organic superfoods" thrown in to make the package wording sound appealing.

Every health professional I've talked to (not fitness professionals, heath professionals...nurses, doctors, chiropractors, and nutritionists) has told me they would never recommend this stuff to their clients or patients.  They do admit they've had patients who've lost weight using these products, but the vast majority have gained it back, plus some, once they stop the system.

And don't even get me started on cleanses.  Unless you have renal disease or liver failure, or for some reason, your body doesn't sweat, poop, or pee, I'm pretty sure Mother Nature designed your body to effectively "cleanse" itself without any outside help or starving.


I'm going to go ahead and read some of your minds right now...
Uh, Angie, WTF makes you such an expert?
You've only been "living this lifestyle" for like a year, what do you know?
Have you ever even TRIED these products?

Not an expert, just sharing my opinion and some unbiased, non-sponsored research.
In "living this lifestyle" along with my years of school in biochemistry, anatomy, physiology, and pathophysiology, I know a few things about the human body and how it works...and about how my human body has responded to exercise and real food.
I've tried three of the four companies and was not impressed by any of them.


I have a long way to go on my journey, but I've already come pretty far without the help of additives.  I think people sometimes want an easy solution, and that's not realistic.

If you choose to drink/eat this stuff, more power to you!  I've just been asked repeatedly why I don't, and growing increasingly frustrated with all the propaganda that comes my way from well-meaning friends.  Just like the clothes you wear, totally your choice.  Just 100% not for me. :)

Finally...

Just because it's vegan doesn't mean it's healthy.  Oreos are vegan.

Just because its organic doesn't mean it's healthy.  There are organic cigarettes.

EAT REAL FOOD.