I started this blog when my gym wife Jen told me to find a way to document my Paying it Forward experience and all the changes that were no doubt going to occur in my life.
My 32nd year was an emotional and physical maelstrom, in the best way possible. I lost almost 100lbs. I made some new friends. I worked my ass off, figuratively and literally. I cried all over my poor trainer on at least a weekly basis. I cried all over my husband on at least a weekly basis. I cried all over my nutritionist pretty regularly, as well. I came to terms with my habits, my decisions, my mental state, my physical state, and my life in general. I worked really hard to improve my physical, spiritual, emotional, and mental health.
In my 33rd year, the physical changes came a lot more slowly but the mental, emotional, and spiritual "journey" continued. I lost about 30 more lbs. I had surgery. I gained 20 lbs back. I re-lost the 20 post-op mashed potato and popsicle pounds. I made more new friends (awesome ones, in fact). I started practicing mindfulness, and found a lot of peace in yoga practice (which I used to hate with the fire of 1000 suns) and meditation (which I always used to feel like I was doing "wrong"). Because of this (I think), I cried a lot less. I finished my BSN and started grad school, which may prove to be my worst idea yet (but will be worth it when I'm finished, I'm sure).
As I'm rapidly approaching 34, I feel like this is a perfect time to reflect on where I've been and the changes that have occurred. I'm insanely proud of the physical changes that have occurred, but even more proud of the mental changes. I feel clear, focused, and determined. I feel confident and strong (most of the time). I feel at peace with myself and my relationships.
Most importantly, I feel a deep gratitude. I have even learned to become thankful for the not-so-awesome things that have happened in my life, because they shaped me into the rockstar you know and love today (I'm also thankful that I'm so humble). I am so, so thankful for my husband, family, and friends. I'm grateful for my education and career. I'm grateful that people trust me every day to guide them towards making the best decisions they can for their health.
I'm grateful for the boys (not men) and girls (not women) I've known (and not known) who mocked my body ruthlessly and publicly. I'm grateful for my exes who cheated on me. I'm grateful for those assholes on Fair St who made me cry in 2014 and inspired me to apply for Jen's Paying it Forward contest/gift.
Does that sound ridiculous? It feels a little ridiculous. How can I be thankful for boyfriends who screw around on me, people who body-shame me, strangers who make me cry? They taught me how to be resilient, how to persevere, how to keep my head held high, and how not to give a fuck about the opinions of people who, quite frankly, just don't matter. Those lessons were hard to learn and those skills were hard-earned. In the wise words of Jinkx Monsoon, "water off a duck's back."
They also, in a roundabout way, contributed to the amazing process of change and transformation that I've gone through and will not doubt continue to go through as I get older.
I'm grateful to Amanda, Kim, and everyone at Nutritional Healing for being amazing sources of knowledge and inspiration. I'm so grateful for Anytime Fitness A-West, Neenah, Kaukauna, and A-East for being my homes away from home (seriously, I sometimes feel like I should just rent out a tanning room and move all my stuff in) and excellent cheerleaders (and super fun friends).
I hate to say this adventure is done, because it feels like it's just beginning. I know I still have a long way to go before I'm where I want to be. I don't believe in "before and after," I think I'll experience a slow but persistent evolution that will perpetuate forever, hopefully in a positive direction. However, I have a feeling that the public documentation of it is finished. It feels like a time for introspection and self-reflection.
With that said, thank you for cheering me on, thank you for the inspiring words, thank you for keeping me motivated. Thank you for being my shoulders to cry on and my cheerleaders to high-five when things have been awesome.
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