Setbacks and Sickness

So...winter can suck it.  Big time.  I've been deaf in my right ear because of a eustacean tube dysfunction for over a month.  It's not awful, but it's annoying, unpleasant, and uncomfortable.  Multiple courses of steroids haven't fixed it, so I'll be half deaf until they figure out the mystery of my right ear.  It's a pain in my ass, but I'm dealing.

However, the past two weeks have been awful.  I got a sinus infection about two weeks ago, which migrated down to my chest and settled into a lovely case of bronchitis.  I've been on Augmentin (finally finished it today, woohoo!) and another steroid burst (four days left, woohoo!) and I still feel like poo.

Even though my voice is back and I'm back at work after missing a few days (thank GOD, I was getting so stinkin' bored), it's hard not to be able to do the things I want to do.

I've only been able to work out twice in the past two weeks, and I had to half-ass it both times.  I tried to run last week and coughed so hard I peed my pants.  I PEED MY MOTHERFUCKING PANTS.  I thought stress incontinence was a hell saved for women who've given birth and/or the elderly.  I was wrong.  Bronchitis is a bitch.


Anyway, I took 5 days off and went back to the gym for a light workout last weekend.  Again, I coughed until I almost fell over.  Awesome.
Today, I went back to workout again, and once again, took it super easy.  I biked, I did abs, I biked some more.  It was awful, because it hardly felt like I did anything.  But I didn't cough nearly as much as last time.  Score!

Since I got sick, I've felt sluggish and lazy and gross and icky in general.  But it's impossible for me to lay on the couch all day and cough.  As soon as I was considered non-contagious, I wanted to hit the gym again.  So I started researching online about exercising with bronchitis.  I'm a nurse, I already knew the answer, and I've given this advice before, but I didn't want to believe it.

In case you were curious, here's what I found.

DON'T DO IT.

Above the neck illness (mild headache, stuffy nose) = go ahead and work out if you feel up to it.

Below the neck illness (lung congestion, cough, vomiting) = stay the hell home and recuperate.

I know, I know, I KNOW...Angie, why you no listen to your own advice??

Pictured above: me

But as many of you know, my biggest fear is complacency.  I've had this mindset that taking a break is not an option...even for illness.  Also, I worry that after missing so many workouts, I've backslid horribly and my progress is going down the crapper with each day spent away from working out.  I worry that when I'm finally able to start hitting it hard again, it'll be like starting all over again - fucking miserable and impossible and the worst thing EVER.  Sad panda face.

PIctured above: me

Well, I've had to change my mindset.  Obviously, because pushing myself too hard through the tail end of this illness could also drag it out for weeks or months - and that's the last thing I want.

I've gotten some sweet and much needed texts, facebook messages, and emails from friends and health professionals that have all told me pretty much the same thing...for the love of God and all that is holy, take it easy on yourself!

I was feeling really badly about not working out and cancelling a bunch of training appointments, but after talking with my trainer today, he also reminded me to listen to myself and ease my way back into it.  And - it's fine, shit happens, tomorrow's a new day and the gym will be waiting when I'm ready.



The moral of the story?

Sometimes your body needs a break.
I am not invincible.
I need to listen to the wisdom of others and take it easy (but I will not be skipping the gym any more...just doing easy workouts for awhile to keep myself moving).
Shit happens, tomorrow is a new day, and the gym will be waiting when I'm ready.

I just wish my lungs would catch up with the rest of me!

Think you can't do it alone?

So, you want to get healthy.  Awesome!

To you, maybe that means losing weight.

Maybe it means eating more vegetables.

Maybe it means gaining muscle.

Maybe it means training to run your first 5K.

Whatever it means, good for you!  Some say deciding to "get healthy" is the hardest part of the entire process.  I both agree and disagree.  It is mentally exhausting and stressful.  You are worried about the level of commitment you're about to make.  Can you handle it?  Will you fail?  What if you can't do it?

If you've tried to get healthy before and not been successful, you may be asking the most terrifying question of all:

Can I handle ANOTHER failure?

If you're anything like me, the answer is: Probably not.

So, you want to get healthy.  But you don't take action, because you're afraid of failing.  You think maybe failing at this means you're a failure in general.  You worry that people will think you're weak, have no willpower, or are lazy if you don't have the success you're looking for.

This was the story of my life, from approximately age 14 until 31.  That's a long time to feel like a failure.  It's a loooooooong time to not understand why you just can't do it, when it seems to come so easily to others.

Here, in an effort to be transparent, I offer you the complete list of failed weight loss attempts in my life, in no particular order:

Atkins - this was delicious (read: lots of bacon) until I realized that a diet of bacon and Jell-O does not a healthy Angie make.

Weight Watchers - multiple times.  The science behind this program makes very little sense to me, which I'm sure is one of many reasons I was unsuccessful.

Transitions - had great success for the 12 week duration of the program, but when left to my own devices, maintenance was a huge issue.  Obviously.

Straight up starvation - uncomfortable AND ineffective.

That cayenne and lemon cleanse crap.  Yuck

Cabbage soup diet.  Yuck

Curves - this was always fun, but never really gave me a decent workout.  Plus, I had no idea what constituted an appropriate diet for my age/weight/activity level.

YMCA - fantastic cardio equipment...intimidating dudes in weight belts grunting and giving me the stink eye in the weight room.

Aloe Juice

Alli

Stackers - holy heart palpitations, Batman!

Ephedrine - holy heart palpitations, Batman!

Metabolife - holy heart palpitations, Batman!

Vomiting - seriously, I wish I was kidding about this.  It was sometimes unintentional, but always gross.

Calorie counting - exhausting.  Just exhausting and awful in every way.  Plus, just because you're eating less than 1500 calories per day (or whatever the number) doesn't mean you're eating a healthy diet or a diet that is conducive to weight loss

Probably more attempts that I'm forgetting...there have been SO MANY

The one thing all these attempts have in common?

I WAS TRYING TO DO IT ALONE.

Now, wait a minute, you say, Weight Watchers has group leaders!

Indeed they do.  However, the dynamic between leader and member is SO important, and mine was not great.  I had a fantastic leader initially, whom I had great success with.  She was motivating, always encouraging, and yet somehow pushed me to be better.  I loved her.  And then she left to go back to school, which is awesome for her, but not so awesome for me (SELFISH ALERT)!

The leader I had after that did not jive with my needs.  Everyone is different, and she did great things for a lot of people.  But not me.  Another failure to add to the list.  Spectacular.

Now, there are some people who can do it alone and have amazing successes getting healthy!  They can look up a marathon training program online, complete it alone, and run that marathon with no guidance whatsoever.  To these people, I say, kudos to you, and I am jealous.

I, on the other hand, need some serious hand holding.  I need someone to tell me to do something and then tell me I can do it when I protest.  I need someone to make me do scary things and then high five me after I do them.  I need somebody to weigh and measure me on a regular basis, high five me when it's awesome, and help me figure out what the hell happened when it's less than awesome.  

I guess through this rambling, What I'm trying to say is this:

If you think you can't do it alone, you're probably right.

And that's fine!  There's absolutely no shame in needing support, help, and accountability.

If that's what it takes for you to met your goals, DO IT.  DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT!  

Because there's no way in hell I would be able to do this without my dream support team: Jen (my main motivator and gift-giver), Donovan (my daily ass-kicker, aka personal trainer), and Amanda (my nutritionist, aka the boss).

Pride

Have you ever been so proud, you felt like your heart might explode right out of your body?  

But you don't want to make said pride known, lest people think you are a peacocking jerkface?

Squawk.

Maybe you haven't wanted to share how proud you are of yourself, just in case you fail.

As have I.  But guess what!  I'm older and wiser, and I'm at a point in my life in which I don't care.  I don't care if people think I'm a peacocking jerkface.  Because I know how hard I'm working every day.  I know how much my attitudes and motivation have changed in such a short time.

And guess what else.  Failure is so much different than I once thought it was.  If I am working hard, sweating my ass off and making good decisions, and the outcome is not what I wanted or different than I expected, have I failed?  Nooooooooooo.  Because I didn't give up.

Success!

That's all, the end. :)