Goals

I like setting goals and crushing them.  In that past, setting goals was a frustrating, depressing process for me.  I was really good at the planning stages...and not so great at the actual execution.  I had known for a loooooong time that I wanted to/needed to lose weight and get healthier, but no idea how to do it.  Eat less calories than you take in (duh), but to be honest, there's a lot more to it than that, at least for me.

Counting calories is super triggering for me.  I can't do it without feeling restricted, anxious, and stressed.  It always always always leads to a binge and feeling badly (and sick).  So I don't do it.

Weight Watchers was fantastic in terms of measuring intake without calorie counting, but, for me, it didn't teach me how to eat healthy.  I could eat nothing but Snickers bars all day as long as I didn't go over my daily points.  I was losing a little weight, which was great, but still feeding myself with a lot of processed crap.

Everybody is different, and different things work for different people.  I know people who have lost tons of weight counting calories, on WW, on Atkins, or on another program, and it makes sense for them.  Fantastic!  Keep it up, yo!

What does this have to do with goals, you ask?

Until I had a plan that I could sustainably execute, my goals were just wishes.  I wanted them, but wasn't taking appropriate steps to meet them.

Over the past year, my goals have evolved as my health and fitness have.  My first goal was to get through my first workout without crying, dying, or vomiting.  It may seem like a ridiculous or easy goal, but it was my Everest.  I was so intimidated by the gym and my trainer at that time, and that first workout was terrifying.  But I did it.  Goal met.  After I got into the swing of things, my first weight loss goal was 20lbs.  After that, it was to be below 300lbs.  Then to lose 75.  Then 100.  I've also had NSV related goals...for example, comfortably sitting in an airplane seat without a seatbelt extender was a goal I crushed on my trip to AZ in March.  Even things like sitting in a restaurant booth comfortably or in a chair with arms without being in pain were goals that I had.

Now that I've met my 100lb goal (plus some, yay!), it's time to re-evaluate and make new goals.  I have to admit, I'm at a bit of a loss.  I want to gain some water weight, which probably sounds ridiculous to most of you.  But even though I drink water all day (and pee about a billion times a day as a result), I am chronically dehydrated (as are lots of people).  My body composition is improving slowly but surely, and my percentage of body water is slowly creeping up.  The more fat I lose, the more it goes up (thank GOD).  But it's only at 39%, and it should be at least 50%.  The problem with this goal is that I need it to be tangible and concrete, and I'm not sure how to quantify water weight gain in a way that is attainable on a monthly basis.  *le sigh*

I would also love to put on some muscle.  Again, my percentage of muscle keeps increasing as my fat percentage goes down, but pounds wise, I've actually lost some muscle this year.  The small amount I've lost, considering that I've lost 113lbs, is pretty fantastic.  But eventually, I'd like some sweet gains.  I want a big, amazing ass, what can I say (well, it's already pretty big and amazing, but I want it to be like Kim Kardashian-ey).

Also, I'm most certainly not done losing weight (at least, I hope not).  I'd still like to lose a solid 50 more pounds, possibly more.  But it's tricky, because I'm now at the point where people are starting to ask about my "goal weight."  And I have no idea what it is.  I hope I'll know it when I get there, but as of now, I have no idea what it is.  Because it depends more on how I feel and look than the number on the scale (never thought I'd say that).  I could surprise myself and stop before my 50lb loss.  Maybe I'll get to 210 and decide that's perfect.  Maybe I'll lose the 50 and decide I need to lose more.

I guess I'm just trying to throw this out there...make goals for yourself!  Make them achievable, measurable, and REALISTIC, so you can pleasantly surprise yourself when you crush them.

Go gain a pound of muscle.

Go sit in a restaurant booth.

Go get that Kim Kardashian ass.

Vacation! Subtitle: I am AWESOME.

I just got back from a frickin amazeballs family vacation.  Myself, the hubs, and my mom and pops flew out to Phoenix last week and then met my sibs in Flagstaff.

We stayed in a sweet rental house (thanks, Ma and Pa) and hiked all over God's green earth.


We saw First People's homes built into the sides of cliffs.



We hiked the Grand Canyon.

We hiked for MILES around Sedona.

We went to a weird little town called Jerome, built into the side of a mountain.

We explored Phoenix and Flagstaff.

We sat in a hot tub for hours.

We got up and drove two hours to see an amazing sunrise.

We saw tons of elk so close to us we could have touched them (if it weren't for fleas and early mating-season aggression, that is).

I got to see my college roomie and fetus friend and her husband, and meet their sweet daughter Aida.

I ate fajitas pretty much every day.

I had amazing tequila (sorry not sorry, Amanda and Donovan).




But let's talk about the best parts.

It started with me sitting in an airplane seat comfortably.  My ass fit and everything.  It was a spring break miracle.
And then.  AND THEN!  I buckled my airplane seatbelt.  Without.  A.  Seatbelt.  Extender.  For the first time since before I met my husband.
Then, I put the tray table down and it didn't smack my boobs or my food baby on the way down.
And then I hiked for miles and miles up and down and around a mountain in Sedona and kept up with my family.
And then I hiked straight down into a gorge and back out.
And then I hiked around the Grand Canyon rim.

And then I hiked into the Grand Canyon (not all the way to the bottom, I don't have a death wish) to see a fossil wall and back out.
And then I comfortably sat in yet another airplane seat, buckled yet another airplane seatbelt without an extender, and used another tray table without my boobs or food baby getting in the way.

While tramping all over AZ, I thought a lot about the last vacation I took, when my husband, my bestie and I drove to Montana to meet my siblings.  It was gorgeous and amazing, and I missed out on parts of it because I had no stamina, no energy, and was unbelievably out of shape.  Instead of dwelling on that and feeling sad, I was (am) overjoyed that's no longer the case.  I can do the things I want to (most of them, anyway) and don't have to miss out on anything I want to do because of my fitness, or lack thereof.

Amazing how much can change in just under a year, huh?

Think you can't do it alone?

So, you want to get healthy.  Awesome!

To you, maybe that means losing weight.

Maybe it means eating more vegetables.

Maybe it means gaining muscle.

Maybe it means training to run your first 5K.

Whatever it means, good for you!  Some say deciding to "get healthy" is the hardest part of the entire process.  I both agree and disagree.  It is mentally exhausting and stressful.  You are worried about the level of commitment you're about to make.  Can you handle it?  Will you fail?  What if you can't do it?

If you've tried to get healthy before and not been successful, you may be asking the most terrifying question of all:

Can I handle ANOTHER failure?

If you're anything like me, the answer is: Probably not.

So, you want to get healthy.  But you don't take action, because you're afraid of failing.  You think maybe failing at this means you're a failure in general.  You worry that people will think you're weak, have no willpower, or are lazy if you don't have the success you're looking for.

This was the story of my life, from approximately age 14 until 31.  That's a long time to feel like a failure.  It's a loooooooong time to not understand why you just can't do it, when it seems to come so easily to others.

Here, in an effort to be transparent, I offer you the complete list of failed weight loss attempts in my life, in no particular order:

Atkins - this was delicious (read: lots of bacon) until I realized that a diet of bacon and Jell-O does not a healthy Angie make.

Weight Watchers - multiple times.  The science behind this program makes very little sense to me, which I'm sure is one of many reasons I was unsuccessful.

Transitions - had great success for the 12 week duration of the program, but when left to my own devices, maintenance was a huge issue.  Obviously.

Straight up starvation - uncomfortable AND ineffective.

That cayenne and lemon cleanse crap.  Yuck

Cabbage soup diet.  Yuck

Curves - this was always fun, but never really gave me a decent workout.  Plus, I had no idea what constituted an appropriate diet for my age/weight/activity level.

YMCA - fantastic cardio equipment...intimidating dudes in weight belts grunting and giving me the stink eye in the weight room.

Aloe Juice

Alli

Stackers - holy heart palpitations, Batman!

Ephedrine - holy heart palpitations, Batman!

Metabolife - holy heart palpitations, Batman!

Vomiting - seriously, I wish I was kidding about this.  It was sometimes unintentional, but always gross.

Calorie counting - exhausting.  Just exhausting and awful in every way.  Plus, just because you're eating less than 1500 calories per day (or whatever the number) doesn't mean you're eating a healthy diet or a diet that is conducive to weight loss

Probably more attempts that I'm forgetting...there have been SO MANY

The one thing all these attempts have in common?

I WAS TRYING TO DO IT ALONE.

Now, wait a minute, you say, Weight Watchers has group leaders!

Indeed they do.  However, the dynamic between leader and member is SO important, and mine was not great.  I had a fantastic leader initially, whom I had great success with.  She was motivating, always encouraging, and yet somehow pushed me to be better.  I loved her.  And then she left to go back to school, which is awesome for her, but not so awesome for me (SELFISH ALERT)!

The leader I had after that did not jive with my needs.  Everyone is different, and she did great things for a lot of people.  But not me.  Another failure to add to the list.  Spectacular.

Now, there are some people who can do it alone and have amazing successes getting healthy!  They can look up a marathon training program online, complete it alone, and run that marathon with no guidance whatsoever.  To these people, I say, kudos to you, and I am jealous.

I, on the other hand, need some serious hand holding.  I need someone to tell me to do something and then tell me I can do it when I protest.  I need someone to make me do scary things and then high five me after I do them.  I need somebody to weigh and measure me on a regular basis, high five me when it's awesome, and help me figure out what the hell happened when it's less than awesome.  

I guess through this rambling, What I'm trying to say is this:

If you think you can't do it alone, you're probably right.

And that's fine!  There's absolutely no shame in needing support, help, and accountability.

If that's what it takes for you to met your goals, DO IT.  DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT!  

Because there's no way in hell I would be able to do this without my dream support team: Jen (my main motivator and gift-giver), Donovan (my daily ass-kicker, aka personal trainer), and Amanda (my nutritionist, aka the boss).

Today's special

Today, I got to do an AWESOME workout...a tandem workout with the lovely and amazing Jen M, my HERO and inspiration!

I've never worked out with anybody before, especially somebody who's been working out for so long and is in much better shape than myself, and I have to admit...I was really excited but had a bit of trepidation going in to this workout.  How am I going to keep up with Jen in beast mode?  This woman works out like a fiend and has lost well over 100 pounds (like I said, she's amazing)!

As always, my nervousness was unfounded and the workout was awesome.  The half hour flew by.  It was tiring (as always) but it was SO fun being there with Jen!

Also, proud moment: did my first ever "non-cheater" planks, on my toes instead of my knees.  It hurt so frickin bad and was surprisingly tiring.  My abs are already sore...can't wait to see what they'll feel like tomorrow.

I hope it's the former.

Thanks for the buddy workout, Jen!  It was awesome!

Fat Jokes Fuel my Rage

***I originally wrote this blog on 4/3/14, right after those buttheads on Fair Street shouted nasty things at me.  Those of you who followed my old blog probably recognize it...though it has been tweaked and more things have been added to it.






This is going to sound really weird, coming from someone who's fat.  But do you know what I love?

Fat jokes.  

Seriously.  I love them.  Not because I find them funny (the same way I don't find racist, homophobic, sexist, or other cruel jokes funny).  Because they're not funny.  Not at all.

I get it, because she's a whale.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FUNNIEST GODDAMN JOKE EVER.  Or, shut your stupid mouth and IMMA CUT YOU.

They fuel my rage.  They motivate me.  They make me want to punch people in their stupid faces.

So keep telling them, jerks.  I LOVE that shit.  With every joke you tell, my determination grows.  

I think of every fat joke, every cruel name I've been called, every asshole who has shouted hateful things at me from their car, or their porch (I'm talking to you, North Fair Street crackhouse) when I'm working out. 

WHY IS THIS FAT BITCH WEARING LEGGINGS?  HOW DARE SHE WEAR SKINNY PEOPLE CLOTHES?  Releasing mob of angry villagers with pitchforks in 3...2...1...

 As I do my lat pulldowns, I imagine the weights slamming down on your head with each rep.  When I row, I picture my elbows landing right in your stupid faces. 

In all seriousness, if you find these jokes funny, you are an asshole and I have no use for you.  If you find these jokes funny, you clearly have no respect for me anyways.  And yes, I am just as "sensitive" about sexist jokes (because I have a vagina and a SOUL), racist jokes (because not everyone is white and I have a soul), homophobic jokes (again, I have a soul) and other ignorant jokes (because I'm smart and have a soul).  

But keep telling them.  The rage pushes me to be better.

And furthermore, stop saying things like this:

"I love you like a fat girl loves cake."  If you must know, I much prefer pie to cake.  Also, I eat salads every motherfucking day.  So shut up.
"What's the point of having big boobs/an ass that won't quit/curves when you're fat?"  So...my fat cancels out my booty and cans?  I can think of one person who would beg to differ, and guess what!  He lives with me and is legally bound to my ass and cans FOREVER and you don't and aren't, so shut up.  Also, by this logic, "what's the point" of being thin if you are completely flat chested and look like a twelve-year-old boy?  Guess what, it's your body so I don't care! :)  ***Also, no, I do not think small breasted women look like boys, because breast size does not equate with femininity or beauty.  I'm just saying, it's just as ridiculous an example as what's been said to me.
"You have such a pretty face."  To most of you, this sounds like a compliment, but fatties can quickly read between the lines.  So shut up.




If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.  Except fat jokes, of course.  Fat people aren't discriminated against or anything, so it's fine.

Progress Update, Yo!

So I'm 4 weeks in with my nutritionist and 6 weeks in with my trainer, and I thought I should give a quantitative update as to how this is all going.

As of this afternoon at my nutritionist appointment, here's the breakdown:

Things I've lost over the past month to six weeks:

13.6lbs, 8.5 of which is fat
3.5 inches around my waist
2 inches of booty
Almost a full cup size

Things I've gained over the past month to six weeks (not quantitative, but still just as important):

Energy
New found self-respect
Pride in myself and belief in my abilities
A half pound of muscle
4 pounds of water (which, for me, is a good thing...even with the oodles of water I drink, apparently I'm chronically dehydrated)

Ok, this I will use as my "before" pic.  Because it is before I started any of this (like a year before, but still) and it is probably the least flattering photo of me ever taken.

Me, with my gorgeous sister, thinking deep thoughts in Fish Creek.

Yes, I'm sitting down and yes, I'm partially covered by a purse, but I don't care.  It's unflattering, old, and pre-fitness routine, so I'm using it, dammit.

Trespassing asparagus thieves, 2013.

Well then, here's another one from the same era (same weekend, actually, Memorial Day 2013).  I love this photo, but again, not so flattering.

This is what I looked like today:

Taco doesn't need to lose weight, but he's so cute he'll probably be in most of my photos.  You're welcome, world.

 Not that much different, to be sure.  And post workout, my hair looks like Conan O'Brien's (not a good look for me).  But the tiny changes I do see in my body are so gratifying.  

Baby steps, y'all!

Weekend motivation!

When it's like 80 degrees out side, and the weather is sunny and GORGEOUS, it can be hard to find the motivation to go to the gym.  Am I motivated to go every day?  Hell to the no.  But I wake up and tell myself:

And I want to like the answer to this question at the end of the day:

And I remind myself of these things:

And I remember that I love this feeling:

And I remind myself of this:

And if those things don't work, I find something to make me laugh at myself:

The moral of the story?  Yes, it's the weekend.  Yes, it's beautiful outside.  Yes, I am going to the beach later.  But if I don't make it to the gym beforehand, you bet your booty I will haul my sunburned ass there tonight.  Will you?  (GUILT TRIP)

Pride

Have you ever been so proud, you felt like your heart might explode right out of your body?  

But you don't want to make said pride known, lest people think you are a peacocking jerkface?

Squawk.

Maybe you haven't wanted to share how proud you are of yourself, just in case you fail.

As have I.  But guess what!  I'm older and wiser, and I'm at a point in my life in which I don't care.  I don't care if people think I'm a peacocking jerkface.  Because I know how hard I'm working every day.  I know how much my attitudes and motivation have changed in such a short time.

And guess what else.  Failure is so much different than I once thought it was.  If I am working hard, sweating my ass off and making good decisions, and the outcome is not what I wanted or different than I expected, have I failed?  Nooooooooooo.  Because I didn't give up.

Success!

That's all, the end. :)

Things

Questions I have and things that will happen to you after you start working out (and by you, I mean me):

1) Why didn't anybody tell me that workouts are AMAZING for rage management?  I should probably preface this by saying I don't generally have rage issues, I'm not an extraordinarily angry person.  But there are a very select few people on earth that I hate with the fire of a thousand suns.  Slamming a (conveniently head-shaped but quite sizeable) medicine ball into the ground repeatedly as I silently curse their very names is so very therapeutic.

Attention assholes: This is your stupid head.  I will drop it like 4th period French.

Hint: it's this.  I fucking HATE this shit.  

2) Don't EVER tell your trainer which exercises you hate.  He will evilly use this information against or for you (depending on how you look at the situation).

3) You will secretly know that #2 is for your own good.  Dammit.

4) You will watch other people working out and think "holy shit, I can't do that!"  You will have to remind yourself that just one short week ago, you DREADED your first workout and thought it'd be awful...turns out, it was, but you look forward to your workouts now because it was also friggin fantastic.  Also, you need to remind yourself that you whipped through one of your workouts so much faster than your trainer expected that he had to wing it and come up with more shit for you to do on the spot (boom, bitches).  Then you will think "holy crap, my week was awesome.  I can do a lot of stuff."  Then you will rephrase... "holy shit, I can't wait to learn to do that."

5) When your trainer tells you that you should be excited when he introduces you to burpees, you will momentarily suspect that he has a serious crack habit, and then remember where you are and who you're talking to, and that suspicion will pass.  No disrespect, my friend, but excitement for burpees?  Player please.

6) Why in the holy hell did nobody share this secret with me: eating well is 1 billion times easier when you exercise regularly?  Going into it, the thought is "man, I have to focus on TWO life changes, not just one."  It seems pretty daunting.  The reality is; when you sweat your everloving ass off, you don't want to fuck it up and/or waste your time by going home and eating crap.  I'm actually kind of pissed about this one (not really...but also...yeah).

7) On a similar note, you will start to crave meat like a caveman.  Even though you are a vegetarian and haven't had meat in about 2 years, and the butchering/prep process grosses you out to no end...you will still want meat.  Dammit.

This will be you.

8) You will become a huge dork who blogs about working out.