Barbara Walters

Recently, my nutritionist asked me to film a testimonial to use in their office and/or on commercials.  I was flattered, honored, and, quite frankly, surprised to be asked.

But I'd be lying if I said I had no reservations.

My first thought was, "Uh, are you sure you want a client that has a solid 100lb left to lose to represent your business?"

But then I thought, "Hell, yes, you want me to do it.  Because I'm frickin awesome."

Because if a sedentary lady who was 200lb overweight, works full time, goes to graduate school full time, and volunteers for BBBS every week can make time to make health and fitness a priority, anybody can.

So, I said yes.

I went to the interview today.

It.  Was.  So.  Nervewracking.

Last time I did something similar, it was for live TV.  My palms were sweaty and cold and I was a little nauseated.

I thought...well, this time it's just me and my interviewer and a cameraman.  The interviewer's name was Bill Murray.  So excellent.

Sadly, 'twas not this Bill Murray.  But he was pretty cool nonetheless.

They're going to keep rolling until they get good footage and just use that, so it won't be so bad.

Or so I thought.

Until I cried.

Yes, that's right, I cried.  While being interviewed.  For a frickin commercial.  They were taping the entire time.  I probably had snot bubbles and everything.  Are you surprised?  I cry all the damn time!  Soooooooooo awkward.

But in my defense, it's not my fault.

He totally "Barbara Walters-ed" me.

If her tactics make Oprah cry, what hope did I have of keeping my tears in check?

After talking about the weight I've lost, doing the obligatory "posing" that comes along with it (awkward but hilarious), talking about why I believe in Nutritional Healing, and how amazeballs I feel, he asked how I felt before.

So, I started rattling of info about my sleep apnea, my hypertension and palpitations, and my crappy energy level, he stopped me and said "that's great, but we also need to hear about how you FELT before."

So I thought about it for a second.  And promptly lost my shit.

I started talking about how I didn't feel like a good nurse, a good wife, a good friend, or even a good mom to Taco.  About how I missed out on things and held myself back from doing things because I had no stamina and no energy.  About how my self-worth and pride were about a zero on a 1-10 scale.  While talking about these things, I cried big fat crocodile tears.  I actually wore makeup, and my tears left glamorous tracks riiiiiight through it.

I SAID ALL OF THIS STUFF.  OUT LOUD.  WHILE BEING FILMED.  FOR A TELEVISION COMMERCIAL.

I'm all about honesty and transparency, but DAMMIT ANYWAY, WHY COULDN'T I JUST HOLD MY SHIT TOGETHER??

Le sigh.


And that's what happens when the most awkward, emotional woman in northeast Wisconsin films a video testimonial.

Oh well.  I'll be interested to see the final product of today's ridiculousness. :)

Progress Update

Honestly, I don't think I look very different than when I started this process of attempting to become the incredible shrinking woman.  Apparently, other people think I do.  The compliments I'm getting from friends, family, and co-workers are so rewarding.  Even more so, perhaps, are the comments I get from randos at the gym (and staff, too!)...it's extremely validating to have your hard work noticed.

So, let's start from the very beginning.

This is me and hubs at Yellowstone in August, 2013.  Note: the lump above my boob is chapstick, I didn't have any pockets.  Also, it was seriously like 105 degrees that day.  It was sweaty and hot and miserable and BEAUTIFUL.  Give me a home where the buffalo roam, indeed.

Shortly after this photo was taken, hubs and my bestie (hi, Ali!) wanted to take a hike.  I decided to sit it out, blaming my photosensitizing meds (I had been having excruciating headaches earlier that summer and was on a buttload of neuro meds that made me prone to sunburns).

Truth: I just didn't want to slow them down or (embarrassing horror of horrors) have to turn back before them).

This is me in June, about 1 month into my workouts and nutritional overhaul.  I had lost 13 lbs when this picture was taken...slightly more than the weight of baby Taco.

I had started feeling REALLY good for the first time in a loooong time.













This is what I looked like today, after a day of work, an awesome workout, and a delicious Chipotle burrito:

Under the amazing guidance of Donovan (my trainer), Amanda (my nutritionist), and Jen (my mentor and rockstar workout buddy):

I have lost 40 lbs since 4/28/14.  

I'm down 53 pounds total from my heaviest weight ever (in 2013).  

I've increased my percentage of muscle by 0.3% (which, to be honest, doesn't sound like much, and I'm actually down a couple pounds of muscle overall, which pisses me off to no end.  However I'm so happy that I've been able to maintain enough to increase my percentage as I lose weight).  

I've lost 5 inches around my waist and 5.5 around my hips. 

Last week, I had to throw away ALL my underoos and buy an entirely new drawer full.  

My bras are too big (all but one sports bra, truth be told) and that needs to be my next investment.  

My favorite jeans slide down over my butt when I try to put them on.  

When I have time to sleep (ha), I am sleeping like a damn corpse (and I mean that in the best way possible).  

I am energized and happy and feeling awesome.  

Even though the visual progress is slow (at least to me), it's really awesome to see my numbers change...to see my hydration increase, my muscle maintain, and my fat plummet.  

One more thing I need to address...body positivity.  I have always been a big believer in beauty at every shape and size, dressing in whatever makes you feel happy and confident, and fat acceptance.  I've been asked if, now that I'm trying to lose weight, my beliefs have changed.

NO they most certainly have not.

My reasons for weight loss are as follows:

1) Health, first and foremost.  A lot of fat people are healthy, I was (am?) not.  I have sleep apnea and take beta blockers, and the day I can bash the shit out of my c-pap machine with a baseball bat like the copier in Office Space will be the best day of my life.  I'll have a party to celebrate; you're all invited.

2) Happiness.  I know a lot of fat people who are happy and beautiful.  In fact, two of my girl crushes (we're facebook friends...you both do amazing makeup...one of you I met through my sista and one of you I met through WAIT...but I will keep your identities secret like Clark Kent) are voluptuous ladies, and they are unbelievably sexy.  Like, ferociously sexy.  Their spouses are two lucky, lucky dudes.  Whoa...tangent.  Anyway: I did not genuinely feel either of those things on a regular basis.  It's important to know: my coping mechanisms were (and are) extremely flawed: food was my drug and I numbed myself with it.  I needed to learn to deal with my feelings and stress in a more positive way, without turning into an alcoholic or a heroin addict (not kidding, not mocking, it's a genuine concern of mine).  I struggle daily with actually addressing my stresses and problems instead of just burying them under a mountain of junk food.  This process is raw and painful and ugly and amazing and I have cried more in my life over the past 4 months than I have ever before in my life, because I let myself feel every emotion that comes into my brain.

So could I be fat and happy?  No, because of my issues with food and my inability to cope with things.  Can you be fat and happy?  Hell yeah, and if you are, more power to you.  If you're not, do something to make yourself more happy, less fat, or both.  But know this: losing weight is not a magic ticket to happiness. 

:)