A despreate plea on behalf of my trainer

I'm making a desperate plea to all fellow gym-goers out there.

For the love of God and all things holy...

RE-RACK YOUR WEIGHTS.

CLEAN UP AFTER YOUR DAMN SELF.

If you want to see a generally kind, patient, positive, and sweet man (or any gym employee/polite gym-goer, really) get even a little bit annoyed, by all means, leave your weights on the machine.  Hell, leave them on the floor!  Re-rack multiple weights of plates on the same bar (this is most effective if you put 5lb plates under/before like 35-45lb plates). 

Mind you, this same man had the patience to tolerate listening to my whiny voice for 30 straight minutes today without acting upon his probable desire to smack me in the face to shut me up (but come ON, he made me do thrusters.  THRUSTERS, Y'ALL.  UGH.  Plus I'm just having one of those days...)...so it's not as if he's easily annoyed.

But what he cannot tolerate is a messy gym.

YOUR MOTHER DOES NOT WORK AT THE GYM.

YOUR CLEANING LADY/MAID DOES NOT WORK AT THE GYM.

And when you leave your crap all over the place for others (ie, employees, myself, other members) to clean up, it leaves me to draw one of five conclusions:

1) You are oblivious.

2) You were raised by wolves.

3) You are an asshole.

4) You are lazy.

5) Any/all of the above.

Ok, well this last one is sexist, but I can see how it would motivate the "bro" population to clean up after their damn selves.

Transparency

If you haven't, you may want to read the previous entry for some background information. Follow the link below (if it works, otherwise copy and paste it...I'm too lazy to set up the link right now).

 http://iamnotgoodatnamingblogs.blogspot.com/2015/02/barbara-walters.html



Discovery: It's relatively easy for me to be open and honest with you, since most of you are my friends/family/fellow gym-goers/co-workers/neighbors, and through the partial anonymity of the internet, than it is to be transparent in person.

Or, say, on television.

As most of you know, I was asked to film a testimonial for my nutritionist's office.  I was really flattered and honored to be asked.  I thought, if I could go on live television to talk about myself and this process three months and 20lb ago, I can certainly film a testimonial now.

Turns out, I may not know myself quite as well as I thought.

In the previous entry, I talked about the interview experience.  It was painfully awkward but I made it through.  The interviewer and cameraman tried their damndest to put me at ease, and were so welcoming and nice.  I just didn't feel comfortable.  Also, as you may recall, I cried, which is one of my least favorite things to do in front of people, especially strangers.

I waited anxiously to see what the finished product of the commercial would look like.  Thinking about it made me a little (a lot) antsy, so it's a dang good thing I had a busy week (as always).

Thursday night, they sent me a copy.  Everyone involved said they loved it.

It would be fair to say that I was not a fan.

I watched it while sitting on a spinning bike at the gym.  Then I watched it again.  The first time, I sat, mouth agape, as I watched myself.  The second time, I laughed out loud...and not in a good way.

All I could think was "I look awful and I sound awful."

Then I felt awful because I was the only one who had seen it at that point who didn't like it.  I reminded myself that everyone's their own harshest critic.  So I watched it again.

Then I had to get the hell out of the gym to process this.

Which I did as soon as I got home.

Panic set in.

The rapid-fire thoughts going through my head included...
People are going to see this.
I've put my story out there to be played by television stations at will.
People are going to judge me.
Oh my God what was I thinking?
Is that really what my voice sounds like?  How does anybody tolerate listening to me?
Oh my GOD what was I thinking?
Is that really what I look like?  Good Lord.
OH MY GOD what was I THINKING?

And the resounding theme:

I AM NOT READY FOR THIS.

I texted my best friend, and emailed her the video link.  I can always count on her to be honest and give it to me straight.  She and her boyfriend loved it.

I thought: Well, maybe it's not as bad as I think.  I filmed it, maybe I should just live with the consequences of my choice to agree to do this and put myself out there.

And then I started panicking again.

I texted my journey guru, Jen, who talked me down off the ledge.

I realized (through Jen's amazing words) that it's okay to say no.  It's okay not to be ready to share everything with everyone.  It's okay to realize that this made me feel powerless and was really triggering for me.  It's okay to say yes and then change your mind.  And it's okay to ask for what you need to feel safe.

And for me, at this point, what I needed to feel safe was to ask my nutritionist not to use the filmed commercial, at least until I'm ready.  A point which I am not confident will ever occur (though it may).  A request which she happily honored.

This entire chain of events was probably the most surprising thing that's happened to me...well, ever.  I thought I knew myself pretty well but I still have the capability to shock myself.

Surprise!

Barbara Walters

Recently, my nutritionist asked me to film a testimonial to use in their office and/or on commercials.  I was flattered, honored, and, quite frankly, surprised to be asked.

But I'd be lying if I said I had no reservations.

My first thought was, "Uh, are you sure you want a client that has a solid 100lb left to lose to represent your business?"

But then I thought, "Hell, yes, you want me to do it.  Because I'm frickin awesome."

Because if a sedentary lady who was 200lb overweight, works full time, goes to graduate school full time, and volunteers for BBBS every week can make time to make health and fitness a priority, anybody can.

So, I said yes.

I went to the interview today.

It.  Was.  So.  Nervewracking.

Last time I did something similar, it was for live TV.  My palms were sweaty and cold and I was a little nauseated.

I thought...well, this time it's just me and my interviewer and a cameraman.  The interviewer's name was Bill Murray.  So excellent.

Sadly, 'twas not this Bill Murray.  But he was pretty cool nonetheless.

They're going to keep rolling until they get good footage and just use that, so it won't be so bad.

Or so I thought.

Until I cried.

Yes, that's right, I cried.  While being interviewed.  For a frickin commercial.  They were taping the entire time.  I probably had snot bubbles and everything.  Are you surprised?  I cry all the damn time!  Soooooooooo awkward.

But in my defense, it's not my fault.

He totally "Barbara Walters-ed" me.

If her tactics make Oprah cry, what hope did I have of keeping my tears in check?

After talking about the weight I've lost, doing the obligatory "posing" that comes along with it (awkward but hilarious), talking about why I believe in Nutritional Healing, and how amazeballs I feel, he asked how I felt before.

So, I started rattling of info about my sleep apnea, my hypertension and palpitations, and my crappy energy level, he stopped me and said "that's great, but we also need to hear about how you FELT before."

So I thought about it for a second.  And promptly lost my shit.

I started talking about how I didn't feel like a good nurse, a good wife, a good friend, or even a good mom to Taco.  About how I missed out on things and held myself back from doing things because I had no stamina and no energy.  About how my self-worth and pride were about a zero on a 1-10 scale.  While talking about these things, I cried big fat crocodile tears.  I actually wore makeup, and my tears left glamorous tracks riiiiiight through it.

I SAID ALL OF THIS STUFF.  OUT LOUD.  WHILE BEING FILMED.  FOR A TELEVISION COMMERCIAL.

I'm all about honesty and transparency, but DAMMIT ANYWAY, WHY COULDN'T I JUST HOLD MY SHIT TOGETHER??

Le sigh.


And that's what happens when the most awkward, emotional woman in northeast Wisconsin films a video testimonial.

Oh well.  I'll be interested to see the final product of today's ridiculousness. :)