Progress Update

Honestly, I don't think I look very different than when I started this process of attempting to become the incredible shrinking woman.  Apparently, other people think I do.  The compliments I'm getting from friends, family, and co-workers are so rewarding.  Even more so, perhaps, are the comments I get from randos at the gym (and staff, too!)...it's extremely validating to have your hard work noticed.

So, let's start from the very beginning.

This is me and hubs at Yellowstone in August, 2013.  Note: the lump above my boob is chapstick, I didn't have any pockets.  Also, it was seriously like 105 degrees that day.  It was sweaty and hot and miserable and BEAUTIFUL.  Give me a home where the buffalo roam, indeed.

Shortly after this photo was taken, hubs and my bestie (hi, Ali!) wanted to take a hike.  I decided to sit it out, blaming my photosensitizing meds (I had been having excruciating headaches earlier that summer and was on a buttload of neuro meds that made me prone to sunburns).

Truth: I just didn't want to slow them down or (embarrassing horror of horrors) have to turn back before them).

This is me in June, about 1 month into my workouts and nutritional overhaul.  I had lost 13 lbs when this picture was taken...slightly more than the weight of baby Taco.

I had started feeling REALLY good for the first time in a loooong time.













This is what I looked like today, after a day of work, an awesome workout, and a delicious Chipotle burrito:

Under the amazing guidance of Donovan (my trainer), Amanda (my nutritionist), and Jen (my mentor and rockstar workout buddy):

I have lost 40 lbs since 4/28/14.  

I'm down 53 pounds total from my heaviest weight ever (in 2013).  

I've increased my percentage of muscle by 0.3% (which, to be honest, doesn't sound like much, and I'm actually down a couple pounds of muscle overall, which pisses me off to no end.  However I'm so happy that I've been able to maintain enough to increase my percentage as I lose weight).  

I've lost 5 inches around my waist and 5.5 around my hips. 

Last week, I had to throw away ALL my underoos and buy an entirely new drawer full.  

My bras are too big (all but one sports bra, truth be told) and that needs to be my next investment.  

My favorite jeans slide down over my butt when I try to put them on.  

When I have time to sleep (ha), I am sleeping like a damn corpse (and I mean that in the best way possible).  

I am energized and happy and feeling awesome.  

Even though the visual progress is slow (at least to me), it's really awesome to see my numbers change...to see my hydration increase, my muscle maintain, and my fat plummet.  

One more thing I need to address...body positivity.  I have always been a big believer in beauty at every shape and size, dressing in whatever makes you feel happy and confident, and fat acceptance.  I've been asked if, now that I'm trying to lose weight, my beliefs have changed.

NO they most certainly have not.

My reasons for weight loss are as follows:

1) Health, first and foremost.  A lot of fat people are healthy, I was (am?) not.  I have sleep apnea and take beta blockers, and the day I can bash the shit out of my c-pap machine with a baseball bat like the copier in Office Space will be the best day of my life.  I'll have a party to celebrate; you're all invited.

2) Happiness.  I know a lot of fat people who are happy and beautiful.  In fact, two of my girl crushes (we're facebook friends...you both do amazing makeup...one of you I met through my sista and one of you I met through WAIT...but I will keep your identities secret like Clark Kent) are voluptuous ladies, and they are unbelievably sexy.  Like, ferociously sexy.  Their spouses are two lucky, lucky dudes.  Whoa...tangent.  Anyway: I did not genuinely feel either of those things on a regular basis.  It's important to know: my coping mechanisms were (and are) extremely flawed: food was my drug and I numbed myself with it.  I needed to learn to deal with my feelings and stress in a more positive way, without turning into an alcoholic or a heroin addict (not kidding, not mocking, it's a genuine concern of mine).  I struggle daily with actually addressing my stresses and problems instead of just burying them under a mountain of junk food.  This process is raw and painful and ugly and amazing and I have cried more in my life over the past 4 months than I have ever before in my life, because I let myself feel every emotion that comes into my brain.

So could I be fat and happy?  No, because of my issues with food and my inability to cope with things.  Can you be fat and happy?  Hell yeah, and if you are, more power to you.  If you're not, do something to make yourself more happy, less fat, or both.  But know this: losing weight is not a magic ticket to happiness. 

:)

Depression

TRIGGER WARNING: Depression, Anxiety, Mental Illness, Suicide

Some of you may be shocked to know that I have depression.  "Major Depressive Disorder with Severe Anxiety," to be exact.

I am REALLY good at putting on a happy face, but since 2006, I've been on Citalopram and Xanax...Citalopram I take every day to stave off depression and keep me more even-keeled, Xanax I take once in awhile for severe anxiety attacks.  Truthfully, I should have been medicated a LOOOOOONG time before 2006.

"But Angie!" you say, "Everyone gets anxious sometimes!"

That they do, dear readers.  My weird brain likes to take it one step beyond normal stress reactions.  

For example, on the morning of my first day at my current job, I was vomiting pretty profusely.  Why oh why didn't I call in sick?  

Because this happens to me.  All.  The.  Time.  I vomit on the reg.  It's actually pretty gross.  It's a miracle my teeth are so nice, to be honest.  

Pro Tip: Do not, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, EVER do a google image search for "gross."  This is NOT the first image that appears.  *shudders*

I also get palpitations so severe it feels like my poor heart is going to explode right out of my chest.  My hands get so cold and stiff I can barely use them.

This happens every single time I have an exam, or do something new.  My first workout?  Bet your ass I had Xanax in my bloodstream.  Flying overseas?  XANAX, BABY.  Statistics test?  BENZOS FOR EVERYONE!

It's a common misconception that antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds make you happy.  They don't.  They just make you feel less like dying.  A little less like bursting into tears constantly.  They take the dirty grey veil off everything so you can almost, ALMOST view it normally.

You may also be thinking, "I get sad sometimes...does that mean I have depression?"  

No.  A thousand times, no.

It's completely normal to feel sad sometimes.

What's not normal is to feel absolutely nothing.  To just not care.  To have amazing parents, wonderful friends, a supportive and loving husband, a sister who you look up to, a steady job, a roof over your head...and just not care about any of it.  And then to feel crushing guilt because you don't care.  The guilt is one of the few feelings you DO have.

The only other feeling you do have is to occasionally think that all of the people mentioned above would be so much better off if they didn't have to deal with how fucked up you are.  Only most of them have no idea how fucked up you are because you retreat into your sad place whenever you start feeling like this.  If there is some place you absolutely have to be, you slap on a happy face and fake it until you can go home, put on the same dirty sweatshirt you've been wearing for a week, and cry.  Some people lose tremendous amounts of weight, because they don't care enough to eat.  Some people (myself included) gain tremendous amounts of weight, because they don't care what they put in their bodies.

The best way I can think of to describe depression to you is it feels like swimming through pudding.  Your brain moves as slowly as your limbs.  Every step you take, every word that comes out of your mouth is a challenge.  Just being alive is EXHAUSTING.  You may or may not become suicidal...but even if you don't, you probably fantasize about your own death a LOT.  Not necessarily because you want to die, because that would require doing something.  Just because being alive means nothing to you except perpetual exhaustion.

I've never attempted suicide.  But I can't even count the number of times I've prayed for something else to kill me.

That's the difference between sadness and depression.

In the wake of Robin Williams' death, I've seen a lot of terrible things said about depression and suicide. 

Suicide is not the "coward's solution."  

Yes, it pisses me off that people take their own lives.  But what pisses me off about it so much is the knowledge that many suicide attempts are desperate pleas for help.  It just makes the "successes" (and I hate to even call it that, but you know what I mean) that much more tragic.  

It also makes me so angry that there is such a stigma on mental illness.  

I have a mental illness.  I'm still awesome.  

Yes, some mental health issues are far more stigmatized than others (schizophrenia comes to mind).  I know some people with schizophrenia who absolutely terrify me.  I also know some people with schizophrenia who are fiercely intelligent, loving, social, caring, amazing beings.  Just like I know people without mental illnesses who absolutely terrify me and others who amaze me in positive ways.   Mental illness should not define anyone any more than their blood pressure reading, hair color, address, favorite meal, or fingernail length.  It's absolutely ridiculous to boil a life down to that one component of their being.

You may also be wondering: what in the holy hell does this have to do with my weight loss journey??

EVERYTHING.

Would you take care of yourself if you didn't care about anything?  Would you work to be healthy if you truly believed your loved ones would be better off without you?

Nope.  And neither did I.

Robin's suicide also absolutely terrified me, as all suicide deaths do.  I do not share his diagnosis of bipolar depression (totally unipolar here) or his history of substance abuse, but I completely identify with his zany persona, his loud and brash nature, his foul-mouthed rants, and finally, his hidden depression that nobody saw. 

If you think you're depressed or are thinking about harming yourself, please, please, PLEASE reach out.  The National Suicide Prevention Hotline is staffed around the clock.  1-800- 273-8255.  

So many people love you.  So many people need you.  They love you and need you more than you love and need yourself right now, but some day, the clouds will part.  They always do, eventually.

Rest peacefully, sweet soul.

Slugsville

I've been feeling super sluggish lately.  Weirdly heavy and slow.  Not sure what the deal is, because I've been sleeping pretty well.  My diet hasn't changed since May.  I'm kind of annoyed.
It came to a boiling point for me when I couldn't finish an entire 300 workout earlier this week.  Not because I didn't have the stamina, but because I had 30 minutes with my trainer and I just couldn't get the whole thing done in that time frame.

Pictured above: Me, apparently

I was fucking PISSED.  Not at him, at myself.  I should be able to get a frickin planned workout done in a half hour.  But for some reason, I have been feeling extra slooooow lately and my energy level has been for crap.
I went through my routine, my diet, my daily schedule, and realized the only change is that I have worked out every day since June 24th.  Most of those days have been at Anytime, a few have been with friends at other gyms, and a few have been "wogs" around my neighborhood with my dog (wog = walk/jog, aka my version of running).  Huzzah, good for me!  Except I think maybe my body needs a rest day.
I'm sure there are a lot of you that are like, "but Angie, I've worked out every day since 1994 and I feel fantastic!"  I'm happy for you, and actually quite jealous.

So.  Tomorrow, no matter how weird I feel skipping the gym, I'm not going.  My first rest day in 6 weeks.  Keep your fingers crossed that this is what I need to re-boot and start feeling amazeballs again!

Simplification

I've found that this journey into a healthy lifestyle has, in large part, been about simplification.

Yeah, I don't know what theclothdiaperreport.com is, nor do I care...but this is EXACTLY what my mantra has been lately.

Scientific fact: This cures cramps.

Simplification of my diet: If you can't read the ingredients, don't eat it.  Unless it's a Dove chocolate square and you have wicked PMS and/or cramps.  Then go ahead and eat it.  Simple as that.  (There's a little more to it than that, courtesy of my nutritionist, but really, that's the general idea.)


Simplification of my exercise routine: it went from sporadic or nonexistant to steady and predictable.  This sounds monotonous and horrible, I know, but it's anything but.  When I say "steady and predictable," what I mean is, I know I will go to the gym every day (that's the goal...6 days out of 7 is more realistic for me...gotta give myself a day off just in case, that way when I do make it in every day I feel extra awesome!).  What I do at the gym is different just about every time.  If I'm with my personal trainer, I know I will sweat my face off until I feel like I'm going to fall over, though going in to it I never know what he's going to make me do.  It's simple though...he chooses, and I do it.  On days I'm by myself, I either recycle one of the dozens of workouts he's made and written out for me, or I do cardio.  Or both.  It's simple: I show up, work out, and go home.

Am I the only one who thinks this graphic looks like they stripped the skin off the Incredible Hulk?  That's actually the only reason I chose this :)

Simplification of my life in general: If I don't wear or use something on the reg, it's going to Goodwill or the junk store.  Books I've read but am not in love with?  Gone.  Old clothes that no longer fit or that just aren't my style?  Gone.  Kitchen gadgets that are taking up all my counter space?  Gone.  I'm still working on this, but my goal is that everything in my home should be either beautiful or useful.  Hopefully both.  No room for extra crap that's there just for the sake of being there.  Extra things to clean, extra things to dust, extra things to find places for.  Every extra item in my home is a needless distraction and takes time from the things I need to be doing and want to be doing...cooking, working out, studying, spending time with my husband, friends, family, and diggity dog.

Cutting out things that aren't conducive to my goals: You may not know that in addition to pursuing new goals in health and fitness, I'm also a graduate student.  This means I have no money for anything extra and no time/patience for anything I don't need to be wasting my time on.
Por ejemplo...
My husband and I got rid of our cell phones over a year ago and rarely miss them.  Yes, it was nice having the internet in my purse.  The GPS was super convenient.  Candy Crush was addicting.  But we both started to feel tethered to our phones.  Reachable at all times, dependent on them, addicted to them.  So we cancelled our plans.  A couple of months ago, I decided to get a cell phone again.  I hate it.  Now, the cell phone that I purchased is just a Tracfone...nothing fancy, but I can call and text and (theoretically) use the internet if I need to.  I bought it in May and I've used it twice.  Seriously, the thing came with 10 minutes on it and I still have 6 of them.  And yes, smartphones have buttloads of amazing health and fitness and nursing and grad school related apps that would likely enhance my life, but I'm doing just fine without a phone.  Once you cut a $200 monthly bill out of your life, it's really hard to justify adding it back in.

We just cancelled Netflix.  I will really miss The Walking Dead, but will Netflix help me meet or exceed my goals of working out daily, losing weight, and maintaining my 4.0 GPA for as long as humanly possible?  No, no it will not.


Time Warner Cable.  First of all, I hate them, but we need the internet and a landline (since we are cell phone-less as discussed above).  Basic cable came with our condo rental, and we decided to get the extra "premium" channels.  I will miss Girls and Nurse Jackie, but again, will HBO and Showtime help me meet or exceed the aforementioned goals?  NO.  I have no room in my life any more for things that don't contribute to the cause of making me better, so cable went away also.


Now, if you have cable, and Netflix, and cell phones, and extra stuff in your house, THAT'S FINE.  I'm in no position to judge anyone else's life (unless you're seriously a hoarder, and then it would come from a place of love and concern, because that shit isn't safe).  I just know I need to streamline as much as possible.  My little family, my education, and my health are my top priorities in no particular order (and besties, please know you are included in the family portion of that list) and everything else best be getting out of my way.

Also, if you have Netflix, you should probably give me your password so I can sneak in an episode of The Walking Dead once in awhile.  I promise not to judge your "Recently Viewed" list too harshly. :)

Buddy Workouts

As much as I enjoy my one-on-one time with my trainer, my GOD I love buddy workouts!  Tonight I got to work out with the lovely Sandy and Jen...both women who have done amazing things.  AMAZING, powerful, inspirational women who I am so lucky to know and call friends.

I managed to keep up with them, didn't die, trained with a trainer I've never worked out with before (which, for those of you who know how awkward I am in new situations and how much Xanax it requires for me to do things that scare me, is an accomplishment in and of itself) AND the session was an hour, which is twice as long as I normally work out with my usual trainer (and at the end of my normal half hours, my body is completely smoked and I just want to pass out).

I laughed SO hard during this work out, it's hard to know if my abs are sore because of the core circuit (which was challenging) or because Sandy is HILARIOUS and I couldn't stop laughing the entire time!

Also...does anybody else feel like they're cheating on their trainer when they work out with someone else?  I know they all work for the same place and are colleagues and support ALL the gym members, not just the ones they train with...but it kind of made me feel like a gym slut.

With that said, it was awesome.  I had to do wall sits and push ups, which I HATE.  But I also got to do ab mat sit ups, planks, ball slams, rope slams, and lots of kettlebell stuff, which I LOVE.  And even the stuff I hate wasn't too bad, because I had my lovely partners in crime there to cheer me on.

If you go to Anytime and ever want to do a buddy workout, LET ME KNOW!

Thanks, Sandy, Jen, and Kirk for an awesome hour!!

Judgement, Fat Discrimination, and the Isolation of Obesity

Read the letter below, and think about it for a second.

This letter wasn't to me, but it may as well have been.

For the record, let me say this:  

Yes, I realize that I have not been marginalized as much as, say, ethnic or religious minorities.

Yes, I realize that some of my attributes that apparently invite discrimination were self-induced.

But anyone who thinks that fat discrimination isn't a "thing" is delusional, and/or blind.

If you are an average-sized human, ESPECIALLY AN AVERAGE-SIZED CIS-MALE HUMAN, I ask you this...how many times have you received a letter like this?  How many times have you been shouted at from passing cars, or laughed at by bitches at the YMCA?  How many times have you been reduced to tears because somebody made a hateful comment about your appearance?

My guess is: NEVER.  

And that's awesome.  Because nobody should be reduced to tears by hateful comments about their appearance.  It's just unacceptable.

For some reason that I can't fathom, people feel that women's bodies are theirs to comment on. Especially if you are not a Victoria's Secret model.  Too fat, too thin, too "mannish."  Omg, that crazy hippie doesn't shave her legs.  Holy crap, that girl should NOT be wearing leggings.  Eat a sandwich, you look anorexic.  Just because it zips, doesn't mean it fits.

I've been subjected to this kind of awful attitude more times than I care to remember.  I can't imagine what on God's green earth would EVER possess anyone to say or write this kind of thing to another human.  

I will never, EVER, forget the first time this happened to me.  It was my freshman spring at UWSP, and I went for a walk on a glorious afternoon.  Four guys in a blue car drove past and slowed down just long enough to shout "You need to start running, you fat bitch!" before peeling away and laughing their stupid faces off.  It was just another in a series of comments, looks, laughs, and rude comments that cut me down again, and again, and again, until I believed I was worth nothing.  I thought I deserved nothing but a lifetime of those kinds of comments.

There are people out there who seriously think that fat-shaming will motivate fat people to get thin.

Do you know what is really does?  

It makes them hide.  It makes them become binge-eaters because they don't know how to deal with their shame.  It makes them vomit.  It makes them start taking Xanax and Citalopram because of their crushing depressive disorder and nauseating anxiety (which, no doubt, contributed to their obesity in the first place).  In spite of those who love them (including fab friends, supportive siblings and parents, and an amazeballs husband), they have no idea WHY anybody cares about them so much, because they feel worthless.

Sometimes, it makes them wish they were dead.  Not because their life is awful...it's not.  They have the aforementioned amazing support system and a lot of things going for them.  But because they're not confident they can endure a lifetime of this kind of cruelty.

It's unbelievably isolating.

Until one day, the lucky ones realize they are worth so much more than they ever realized.  

Who knows what brings on this realization.  Maybe they are in a new relationship.  Maybe they read a motivating book or article.

Maybe they receive a life-changing gift from a complete stranger.  For the first time in forever, they think "holy crap, somebody has faith in me.  Somebody believes I can do this."

"SOMEBODY THINKS I'M WORTH IT."

(FYI, the "they" in this story is me, if you hadn't caught my drift)

Thanks, again, Jen.  If I said it a million times, it wouldn't be enough.

Music

It took me for frickin ever to find music that would motivate me while working out.

Cardio is no problem (music wise)...just about any fast song will do.

My problem is strength training.  When I don't have my trainer with me to push me when I want to stop, I need music to push me.

The songs have to have a good beat.  Not too fast, because I find that I naturally fall in rhythm with the songs...if the beat is too fast, I'll die and/or pass out.

The songs also have to either sound powerful or have motivating lyrics...hopefully both, but this is a rare find.  Most of my lifting songs sound just plain angry.  Which truthfully is motivating in and of itself, and makes me feel like a hard ass.

Need some new music?  Here are my current playlists...

Cardio:
Come get it Bae - Pharrell and Miley
Forever - Chris Brown (you have NO IDEA how embarrassed I am to admit that I like a Chris Brown song.  NO.  IDEA.)
Give a Little - Hanson (no, I'm not kidding.  This song is awesome)
If - Janet Jackson
Love Runs Out - One Republic
Milkshake - Kelis (mostly because it's hilarious)
On Top of the World - Imagine Dragons
Pink & Blue - Outkast
Runaway Baby - Bruno Mars (this song is amazing for sprint intervals, just FYI...thank God it's short because I'm almost dead by the time it's over)
White Walls - Macklemore (my jam.  I sing this song to my dog all the time and he hates it so much)
Work Bitch - Britney Spears
All My Life - Foo Fighters
Can't Hold Us - Macklemore
New Shoes - Paolo Nutini
Since U Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson
Monkey Wrench - Foo Fighters
Fall Down - will.i.am and Miley
Times Like These - Foo Fighters
Ten Feet Tall - Afrojack (Thanks, Jen!)

This glorious playlist is an hour and ten minutes long, I finish my workout with a few songs to spare for stretching.  Huzzah!

Strength Training:
Personal Jesus - Marilyn Manson
Them Bones - Alice in Chains
I Alone - Live
In Bloom - Nirvana
Mosh - Eminem 
All My Life - Foo Fighters (yes, this song is on both lists.  I have such a boner for Dave Grohl, it's not even funny)
Living Dead Girl - Rob Zombie
The Motto - Drake (I hate Drake so much, but dang this song is catchy)
The Beautiful People - Marilyn Manson
Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana
Remember The Name - Fort Minor (this is, hands down, my favorite song on this list.  Be warned, it's listed as "explicit lyrics," but some of the lyrics are so, so motivating)
The Fight Song - Marilyn Manson
Dragula - Rob Zombie
Empty Spaces - Fuel
Would? - Alice in Chains
Heart-shaped Box - Nirvana

1 hour 1 minute of bad-assery.  Like I said, lots of angry music, great for throwing weights around and making me feel like a boss ass b*tch.

I really wanted to add some AC/DC to my strength training playlist, but all I can find on Spotify are stupid cover bands.  Thunderstruck would be amazing for strength training.


Anyone else feel wicked motivated by their workout music?  Anyone have any suggestions for new songs?  I shuffle the lists so I never know what I'm going to get next, but I'd give it another few weeks before I'm in need of fresh songs.

Thanks for keeping me motivated, you gorgeous man you.