The sports bra struggle

Dear Athletic wear companies (Lululemon, Athleta, Champion, UnderArmour, North Face, REI, Danskin, and others),
Those of us with sizeable bodies and breasts would like to exercise in clothing meant to do so.  I am a size 26 and 44 DD to E, and my ass and boobs need to be properly contained whilst I sweat my ass off.  Not that my Target yoga pants and Old Navy tank tops won't do in a pinch for working out, but it's clear after a half hour of sweating that these garments were not designed for serious sweating...my pants start to sag like a baby with a full diaper under the weight of the sweat that is soaking in to them instead of being "wicked away."  My tank tops are low cut (aka, meant for style, not function) and the point of working out is not to flash my cleavage around the gym.  It took me 6 months to find a sports bra that fit me while providing support (dear God WHY would you make an unsupportive sports bra for breasts my size?  WHY?  It's merely decorative and completely non-functional) and I had to order it from out of state.
I beg of you, please start making decent workout wear for fatties, and busty ladies.  Especially fat busty ladies, as I fall into this category and am speaking from a purely selfish state of mind at this point.
I hate you,
Angie

And now, the sports bra struggle...


Having big boobs is the only part of being fat that I like.  Seriously, my cans are amazing (please don't take the way I look in a sport bra as my normal appearance, because those things are mashed the eff down SO MUCH it's borderline painful in my sports bra). Lately, it's kind of been a pain in my ass, though.

Exhibit A: My search for a sports bra.  Appearance is not important in this arena, I'm going to the gym to sweat my ass off, not to look cute and show off my cleavage.  However, some of you will remember last year's struggle to find a decent sports bra that supports the ladies adequately.  The search actually brought me to tears on multiple occasions.  Target, Walmart, Younkers, Shopko, Macy's, Kohl's...none of these stores support (ha, no pun intended) fat girls exercising.  Specifically if you are larger than about a 40 C.  The 44 DD I needed?  Haaaaahahahahahahahahahahaha, take your big jugs and get outta my store.  Even Lane Bryant, a store that ONLY sells fat lady clothes, doesn't believe in big boobed ladies exercising, because the sports bras there (mercifully available in my size, woot!) had absolutely no support whatsoever.  What's the point of making a "sports bra" for DD sized cans if its not going to keep them in one place?  If my boobs hurt after 10 trial jumping jacks in the fitting room, no way are they going to make it through an actual workout.  The Enell bra which was recommended to me by so many people is like a titty straitjacket.  It hurts SO.  BAD.  And apparently, this is the whole idea.  I thought I had the wrong size until I called customer service.  After describing the process of putting this bra on as "a nightmare akin to wrestling a rabid monkey," the woman said "Yeah, that sounds about right." Yikes.

This woman is clearly sedated.  That's the ONLY way one could smile while wearing this monstrosity.

 Also, it turns out in sports bra land, my boobs are bigger than they are in regular bra land, because I ended up with a significantly larger cup size than I have ever worn before.  What the everloving crap?  No WONDER I can't find something that fits me...my sports bra size is super uncommon.  Anyway, to score me a suitable bra, my sister had to go to a lingerie specialty store in Portland, Oregon, and mail me a bra.  She had to mail me a motherfucking bra.  From Oregon. The staff there helped us over the phone and she went in a rainstorm on a Sunday night to buy me a bra, because there are literally zero supportive sports bras in my size in Wisconsin.  NONE.  The Anita Extreme Control blah blah blah whatever it's called flattens my boobs down and straps them in like none other, but that shit doesn't move at all.  I highly suggest picking one up if you are busty.  Buy it here: http://www.anita.com/us-en/Products,Anita_active,MAXIMUM_SUPPORT:5527_Sports%20bra

Extreme control, indeed.  This shit is no joke.

Exhibit B: Why oh why oh WHY are the boobs the first thing to jump ship when you start losing weight?  One of the serious injustices of the world...my pants still fit but my normal bras are too big.  My brand new, hella comfy, hot looking bras now have room for me to smuggle things in the cups.  I could start shoplifting citrus fruit and chicken cutlets, and carry them out of Festival Foods sight unseen, in my bra.  This is the bullshit of all bullshit.

So, to my less busty friends I say this: you may wish for better cleavage or more curves.  But when it comes to working out, the itty bitty titty committee is where it's at, and I am envious.