Think you can't do it alone?

So, you want to get healthy.  Awesome!

To you, maybe that means losing weight.

Maybe it means eating more vegetables.

Maybe it means gaining muscle.

Maybe it means training to run your first 5K.

Whatever it means, good for you!  Some say deciding to "get healthy" is the hardest part of the entire process.  I both agree and disagree.  It is mentally exhausting and stressful.  You are worried about the level of commitment you're about to make.  Can you handle it?  Will you fail?  What if you can't do it?

If you've tried to get healthy before and not been successful, you may be asking the most terrifying question of all:

Can I handle ANOTHER failure?

If you're anything like me, the answer is: Probably not.

So, you want to get healthy.  But you don't take action, because you're afraid of failing.  You think maybe failing at this means you're a failure in general.  You worry that people will think you're weak, have no willpower, or are lazy if you don't have the success you're looking for.

This was the story of my life, from approximately age 14 until 31.  That's a long time to feel like a failure.  It's a loooooooong time to not understand why you just can't do it, when it seems to come so easily to others.

Here, in an effort to be transparent, I offer you the complete list of failed weight loss attempts in my life, in no particular order:

Atkins - this was delicious (read: lots of bacon) until I realized that a diet of bacon and Jell-O does not a healthy Angie make.

Weight Watchers - multiple times.  The science behind this program makes very little sense to me, which I'm sure is one of many reasons I was unsuccessful.

Transitions - had great success for the 12 week duration of the program, but when left to my own devices, maintenance was a huge issue.  Obviously.

Straight up starvation - uncomfortable AND ineffective.

That cayenne and lemon cleanse crap.  Yuck

Cabbage soup diet.  Yuck

Curves - this was always fun, but never really gave me a decent workout.  Plus, I had no idea what constituted an appropriate diet for my age/weight/activity level.

YMCA - fantastic cardio equipment...intimidating dudes in weight belts grunting and giving me the stink eye in the weight room.

Aloe Juice

Alli

Stackers - holy heart palpitations, Batman!

Ephedrine - holy heart palpitations, Batman!

Metabolife - holy heart palpitations, Batman!

Vomiting - seriously, I wish I was kidding about this.  It was sometimes unintentional, but always gross.

Calorie counting - exhausting.  Just exhausting and awful in every way.  Plus, just because you're eating less than 1500 calories per day (or whatever the number) doesn't mean you're eating a healthy diet or a diet that is conducive to weight loss

Probably more attempts that I'm forgetting...there have been SO MANY

The one thing all these attempts have in common?

I WAS TRYING TO DO IT ALONE.

Now, wait a minute, you say, Weight Watchers has group leaders!

Indeed they do.  However, the dynamic between leader and member is SO important, and mine was not great.  I had a fantastic leader initially, whom I had great success with.  She was motivating, always encouraging, and yet somehow pushed me to be better.  I loved her.  And then she left to go back to school, which is awesome for her, but not so awesome for me (SELFISH ALERT)!

The leader I had after that did not jive with my needs.  Everyone is different, and she did great things for a lot of people.  But not me.  Another failure to add to the list.  Spectacular.

Now, there are some people who can do it alone and have amazing successes getting healthy!  They can look up a marathon training program online, complete it alone, and run that marathon with no guidance whatsoever.  To these people, I say, kudos to you, and I am jealous.

I, on the other hand, need some serious hand holding.  I need someone to tell me to do something and then tell me I can do it when I protest.  I need someone to make me do scary things and then high five me after I do them.  I need somebody to weigh and measure me on a regular basis, high five me when it's awesome, and help me figure out what the hell happened when it's less than awesome.  

I guess through this rambling, What I'm trying to say is this:

If you think you can't do it alone, you're probably right.

And that's fine!  There's absolutely no shame in needing support, help, and accountability.

If that's what it takes for you to met your goals, DO IT.  DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT!  

Because there's no way in hell I would be able to do this without my dream support team: Jen (my main motivator and gift-giver), Donovan (my daily ass-kicker, aka personal trainer), and Amanda (my nutritionist, aka the boss).

Zombies

On days that I don't get a chance to work out (which are few and far between), I feel icky.  As much as I don't always enjoy what my trainer makes me do (Push ups and squats, thanks but no thanks), I always love the way it makes me feel.

I've discovered ways to make the unpleasant things more pleasant.

For example:

Fat Amy/Fat Patricia knows what's UP.

Cardio.  I hate cardio with the fire of a thousand suns.  I feel guilty walking on a treadmill when I could be at home walking Taco (sadly, in order to make that even close to a workout, we need to walk for like 2 hours because that fool is SO SLOW...he has to stop, sniff, and pee on every tree, building, hedge, and hydrant we pass).  I get bored on bikes and elliptical trainers, because my attention span is about that of a 3-year-old.  My one saving grace?

The Walking Dead.  I love The Walking Dead.  Since Jeff isn't a fan, it's now my elliptical show...one 45-minute episode is a decent cardio workout (God bless Netflix).  Plus, I turn it into a game, which I highly suggest.

1) Every time Rick says "Carl, get in the house!" - 1 minute sprint

2) Every time someone shouts "Walkers!" - resistance increases by 1
3) Every time Lori does something annoying - incline increases by 1  This is subjective but happens a lot because I HATE Lori...of course, now she's dead (I'm only midway through season 3) so number three, from this point forward, will be something probably related to the Governor or his creepy town.  Or maybe Daryl, because DAY-UMN.

Sorry, Jeff, but it's true.

4) Every time a walker gets stabbed or shot in the head - backwards for 1 minute
5) Every time Merle stabs someone with his sword hand - 1 minute sprint

I was going to add one for when Rick dramatically eye fucks the camera, but that happens so often that I would die before the end of my workout.


Anyway, the moral of the story is, I'm happy I finally found a way to enjoy cardio.  I look forward to the elliptical now, because it's 45 minutes of uninterrupted zombies and gore.

So thank you to AMC for the glorious creation that is The Walking Dead.  I love you all so very much.

Today's special

Today, I got to do an AWESOME workout...a tandem workout with the lovely and amazing Jen M, my HERO and inspiration!

I've never worked out with anybody before, especially somebody who's been working out for so long and is in much better shape than myself, and I have to admit...I was really excited but had a bit of trepidation going in to this workout.  How am I going to keep up with Jen in beast mode?  This woman works out like a fiend and has lost well over 100 pounds (like I said, she's amazing)!

As always, my nervousness was unfounded and the workout was awesome.  The half hour flew by.  It was tiring (as always) but it was SO fun being there with Jen!

Also, proud moment: did my first ever "non-cheater" planks, on my toes instead of my knees.  It hurt so frickin bad and was surprisingly tiring.  My abs are already sore...can't wait to see what they'll feel like tomorrow.

I hope it's the former.

Thanks for the buddy workout, Jen!  It was awesome!

Awkwardsauce

Anybody else have exercises that make them feel HELLA awkward?

There aren't many, for me (so far)...amazing, since I feel at least a little awkward on a routine basis.

  But I have to say, the few that are awkward make me want to giggle like a twelve-year-old in sex ed class.

I submit for your approval...exercises that, while effective, feel really silly:

Make sure you use protection.

Exhibit A: Hip thrusters, or glute bridges, or whatever the heck you want to call this particular exercise.  It feels like you're trying to hump the ceiling, or are auditioning to be...ahem...a "dancer."  It always makes me want to giggle uncontrollably, because my maturity level is below average for a professional woman of my age.

This person's outfit isn't nearly slutty
enough to be doing pole squats.

Exhibit B: Pole squats.  They even SOUND hilarious.  Again, super effective and a good first step into squat-land...but I feel like I'm in stripper school, and I have a hard time not singing "Hot for Teacher" or "Cherry Pie" while I do these.









That's about all, for now.  Surprising, given my infantile sense of humor.

Fat Jokes Fuel my Rage

***I originally wrote this blog on 4/3/14, right after those buttheads on Fair Street shouted nasty things at me.  Those of you who followed my old blog probably recognize it...though it has been tweaked and more things have been added to it.






This is going to sound really weird, coming from someone who's fat.  But do you know what I love?

Fat jokes.  

Seriously.  I love them.  Not because I find them funny (the same way I don't find racist, homophobic, sexist, or other cruel jokes funny).  Because they're not funny.  Not at all.

I get it, because she's a whale.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FUNNIEST GODDAMN JOKE EVER.  Or, shut your stupid mouth and IMMA CUT YOU.

They fuel my rage.  They motivate me.  They make me want to punch people in their stupid faces.

So keep telling them, jerks.  I LOVE that shit.  With every joke you tell, my determination grows.  

I think of every fat joke, every cruel name I've been called, every asshole who has shouted hateful things at me from their car, or their porch (I'm talking to you, North Fair Street crackhouse) when I'm working out. 

WHY IS THIS FAT BITCH WEARING LEGGINGS?  HOW DARE SHE WEAR SKINNY PEOPLE CLOTHES?  Releasing mob of angry villagers with pitchforks in 3...2...1...

 As I do my lat pulldowns, I imagine the weights slamming down on your head with each rep.  When I row, I picture my elbows landing right in your stupid faces. 

In all seriousness, if you find these jokes funny, you are an asshole and I have no use for you.  If you find these jokes funny, you clearly have no respect for me anyways.  And yes, I am just as "sensitive" about sexist jokes (because I have a vagina and a SOUL), racist jokes (because not everyone is white and I have a soul), homophobic jokes (again, I have a soul) and other ignorant jokes (because I'm smart and have a soul).  

But keep telling them.  The rage pushes me to be better.

And furthermore, stop saying things like this:

"I love you like a fat girl loves cake."  If you must know, I much prefer pie to cake.  Also, I eat salads every motherfucking day.  So shut up.
"What's the point of having big boobs/an ass that won't quit/curves when you're fat?"  So...my fat cancels out my booty and cans?  I can think of one person who would beg to differ, and guess what!  He lives with me and is legally bound to my ass and cans FOREVER and you don't and aren't, so shut up.  Also, by this logic, "what's the point" of being thin if you are completely flat chested and look like a twelve-year-old boy?  Guess what, it's your body so I don't care! :)  ***Also, no, I do not think small breasted women look like boys, because breast size does not equate with femininity or beauty.  I'm just saying, it's just as ridiculous an example as what's been said to me.
"You have such a pretty face."  To most of you, this sounds like a compliment, but fatties can quickly read between the lines.  So shut up.




If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.  Except fat jokes, of course.  Fat people aren't discriminated against or anything, so it's fine.

A Workout

I've gotten quite a few facebook messages asking me what exactly my trainer has me do when we meet.  Well, it's hard to say...he switches it up a lot (thank goodness, I get bored easily) so while it's always different, it's always challenging.  The consistent pieces are: 5-10 minute warm-up (usually walking on the treadmill or biking), 30ish minutes with my trainer, 5 minute cardio cool down, and stretching.

As an example of the hellacious and awesome 30 minute training sessions, here's what we did today:

300.  It's a beey-otch.

My face after the workout.  Sans beard, of course.

This workout, to me, was like doing taxes...while it's happening, part of you wants to die.  It's taxing (no pun intended) and exhausting, but when you're done, you're SO HAPPY, you feel accomplished, and you're proud that you got through it without crying.  Also, you're not dead, which is a miracle.  (Ok, it wasn't THAT bad...but dang, it was tiring).

I can almost guarantee there is rum in that coffee mug.

Here's the breakdown:

20 squats (no added weight, thank God, just the bar, which I think weighs 45lbs)

I picked this photo because I find it hilarious that she is doing squats topless.  Put your junk away, lady.

20 bench presses (again, mercifully, with no added weight, just the bar)

Above: You're doing it wrong.

20 lat pulldowns (or is it overhead rows?  It's not with the big bar, it's with the little row handle...whatever it's called)

Owwwwwwww

20 burpees (now, since I'm new to burpees, I get to "cheat" a little and do them on a bench, which is amazing because they are hard enough as it is)

It was 20 x 3, and I wanted to die no less than 8 times.

20 seated rows

I wonder if this guy uses self tanner.

Do it three times.  Timed.  Try not to die.  My time was 23 minutes and I can't remember how many seconds.  It doesn't sound unbelievably challenging when I write it out...but I encourage you to try it, and prepare for an unexpected ass kicking!  It's EXHAUSTING.

Progress Update, Yo!

So I'm 4 weeks in with my nutritionist and 6 weeks in with my trainer, and I thought I should give a quantitative update as to how this is all going.

As of this afternoon at my nutritionist appointment, here's the breakdown:

Things I've lost over the past month to six weeks:

13.6lbs, 8.5 of which is fat
3.5 inches around my waist
2 inches of booty
Almost a full cup size

Things I've gained over the past month to six weeks (not quantitative, but still just as important):

Energy
New found self-respect
Pride in myself and belief in my abilities
A half pound of muscle
4 pounds of water (which, for me, is a good thing...even with the oodles of water I drink, apparently I'm chronically dehydrated)

Ok, this I will use as my "before" pic.  Because it is before I started any of this (like a year before, but still) and it is probably the least flattering photo of me ever taken.

Me, with my gorgeous sister, thinking deep thoughts in Fish Creek.

Yes, I'm sitting down and yes, I'm partially covered by a purse, but I don't care.  It's unflattering, old, and pre-fitness routine, so I'm using it, dammit.

Trespassing asparagus thieves, 2013.

Well then, here's another one from the same era (same weekend, actually, Memorial Day 2013).  I love this photo, but again, not so flattering.

This is what I looked like today:

Taco doesn't need to lose weight, but he's so cute he'll probably be in most of my photos.  You're welcome, world.

 Not that much different, to be sure.  And post workout, my hair looks like Conan O'Brien's (not a good look for me).  But the tiny changes I do see in my body are so gratifying.  

Baby steps, y'all!

Weekend motivation!

When it's like 80 degrees out side, and the weather is sunny and GORGEOUS, it can be hard to find the motivation to go to the gym.  Am I motivated to go every day?  Hell to the no.  But I wake up and tell myself:

And I want to like the answer to this question at the end of the day:

And I remind myself of these things:

And I remember that I love this feeling:

And I remind myself of this:

And if those things don't work, I find something to make me laugh at myself:

The moral of the story?  Yes, it's the weekend.  Yes, it's beautiful outside.  Yes, I am going to the beach later.  But if I don't make it to the gym beforehand, you bet your booty I will haul my sunburned ass there tonight.  Will you?  (GUILT TRIP)

Extreme Weight Loss

Holy crap, does anybody else cry like a squalling child when they watch this show?  No?  Just me then?

AWKWARD.

Maybe it's because it hits a little too close to home.

 I always find myself rooting for these people more feverishly than I cheer for the Packers during the Pack/Vikes game (or the Packers/Bears game...take your pick).  I feel like I'm rooting for myself sometimes.  The episode a couple of seasons ago about the 30 year old infertile myrtle?  The one who used to love to sing but doesn't like people to look at her while she does it?  Uh...yup, pretty sure that episode was about me.  I watched the whole thing with my jaw hanging open, sobbing.

(Disclaimer: I do get pissed at shows like this, however, due to the poor transition between these intensive programs and "real life," which, unfortunately, often results in the contestants reverting to their unhealthy habits and gaining the weight back after the cameras stop rolling.  The Biggest Loser is the worst culprit of this abrupt shift from life in the gym to daily life at home.  Also, The Biggest Loser pisses me off for another reason...people who clearly desperately need to be there and need the guidance and accountability are kicked off when they have a less successful week, numbers wise?  That is one effed up program.  I know it makes for compelling TV, but it's kind of a dick move on NBC's part.  End of rant.)

Anyway, as I'm watching tonight's episode (I haven't cried yet, but we're only 12 minutes in, give it time) and thinking of what an amazing gift it is to be under Chris Powell's guidance for an entire year.  Can you imagine?  I can't imagine something so awesome!

And then I remember.  Silly Angie, you can TOO imagine.

While my trainer isn't famous, he's changing my life as surely as Chris Powell is changing the people featured on TV.

And Jen...my God, Jen, I can't ever thank you enough for this tremendous gift I've been given.

I can't believe I'm a month in already (5 weeks, to be exact).  In some ways, it feels like I just started (which I know in the grand scheme of things, I did) and in some ways, it feels like I've been at this forever (in a good way).  On days that I don't go to the gym, I miss it.  I know even if I'm having a crappy day, there will be about an hour of stress relief.  Like sweet, sweaty Xanax. :)

Guess what else.  I'm not on a diet.  I eat whatever the heck I please.  But what I want to eat is healthy.  Why?  Well, the reason is twofold...1) I pay big bucks to see a nutritionist and I'll be damned if I'm going to flush my FSA dollars down the toilet (not to mention wasting both her time and mine) by paying for her advice and expertise and then eating like crap, and 2) I sweat my ass off 5-6 days a week.  To the point that I get whiskey face (read: beet red), my "base layer" (if you know what I'm saying) is completely soaked and my pants start to sag because of the sweat, and I routinely wish I'd put my hair back in a du-rag to keep my sweaty bangs out of my dang eyes.  I like it, but that shit is no joke.  Do I want to "cancel out" my hard work with crappy food?  Um...no.  Hell to the no.

When I think about the way I have treated my body in the past, it makes me sad and angry at myself at the same time.  But I didn't know how else to function...I thought I needed my unhealthy habits (and resulting shape) to hide behind and as a crutch, and security blanket.

So far, my brain is changing a lot more and a lot more quickly than my body...and I'm okay with that.  I'm actually happy about it.  Not that the small physical changes I'm seeing aren't gratifying and amazing, but the change of mindset is mind blowing.

*****Also, you may be interested to know that by the time I finished this entry, the episode was 34 minutes in and I have cried twice.

FEEL ALLLLLLLL THE FEELINGS!

Before I started working out and eating healthier, I was warned.  I can't say I went into this blind.  No less than half a dozen people told me to prepare for serious feelings.  

Drawing lovingly borrowed from Allie Brosh at hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com.  Go check her out, she's effing hilarious.

So you think you are prepared.  After all, people warned you!  There would be tears; oh so many tears.  After all, you already cry all the time anyway: when you're overtired, when you're overwhelmed, when your husband is overwhelmed, when your dog looks cute, when that Pure Michigan commercial with the dad and daughter fishing comes on, at the end of every episode of The Dog Whisperer, listening to every single Ray Lamontagne and Ben Harper song ever recorded, when you have PMS, if you have a headache, if you need a nap...honestly, it doesn't take much to make you cry.  And not, like, cute crying, with a few little tears that don't even smudge your mascara (if you wore any) that you can dab away with a little lace trimmed hanky.  NO.  YOU ARE A STRAIGHT UP UGLY CRIER ON A REGULAR BASIS.  THIS IS THE ONLY THING YOU HAVE IN COMMON WITH KIM KARDASHIAN, AND YOU OWN IT.

Above: You, crying.

What you will be completely UNprepared for, however, is the first time you almost cry during a workout.  And it won't be because the exercise is too hard (I mean, yeah, it's hella hard, but not like CRYING hard.  Your trainer isn't asking you to give birth or anything).  It won't be because you're proud (you are, but not any more so than any other workout).

Nope, it'll be because this is the first exercise that literally puts you in a vulnerable position.  Your hands will both be occupied, steadying the huge bar that is across your shoulders.  You will have no way of wielding off anybody who gets too close and tries to touch or harass you.

"OMG, why am I being such a freak about this?" is what you will be thinking to yourself as you try blink back the one tear that's trying to escape.  You're at the gym, for god's sake...what do you think is going to happen?  Everyone is nice and there are security cameras everywhere!  Your trainer is literally 2 feet from you, ready to jump in should anything go awry.

You will get over it, tell your trainer this exercise is scary for you, and do it anyway.

Then, you will go home and think about why you feel this way.  Years of verbal assaults from strangers have left you feeling vulnerable to strangers, and vulnerable to physical threats, as well (even if the physical threats don't actually exist).  You like being able to deflect blows (mostly with your words or middle fingers). While having all four limbs in use while working out is nothing foreign to you, this particular exercise is the first time you've been unable to step off a machine or throw a dumbbell to the ground in an instant if you need to make a quick getaway.

You will realize that this really is mostly a mental battle, and you have a lot of crap to get over.

You will get over it, and do it anyway. :)